Rude remark gets flippant response at office party

Dear Miss Manners: I share a name with a highprofile politician, and recently attended a cocktail party for my husband’s office.

As I was being introduced to the wife of one of his colleagues, upon hearing my name, she wrinkled her nose and said, “Ugh! Oh nooooo, I haaaate that name. All I can think of when I hear that name is (politician).”

I stared in shock for a beat, then said, “Well, I guess we can’t be friends. Darn.” Then turned and walked away.

Other co-workers think this will eventually come back to bite my husband. He doesn’t care a whit. What should I have said?

Gentle reader: What you said was not the issue. It was rather how you likely said it, and the abrupt turn afterward, that may have future repercussions.

How lucky that you have a husband who found it charming. Miss Manners hopes that his loyalty — or disinterest, as the case may be — continues for any future career endeavors. She recommends, however, that neither of you consider politics.

Dear Miss Manners: My son and his future wife have decided to have their wedding and reception with “no children,” other than his and her nieces and nephews.

We are a very large family, so this is tough, although we are coming to accept it.

Now, for the shower I am planning for them, they have said they want “women only.”

Well, this cuts out all men and single male cousins. And some of the older women won’t be able to come, as their husbands are their drivers. Some of the new moms aren’t sure about attending, as who will watch the kids?

How much say does the bride-to-be have in the upcoming shower? It feels like my family is slowly being excluded. Or should I shut up and be happy that at least I’m invited to the wedding?

Gentle reader: This bride would certainly have you think so. That she wants to exclude children is problematic, as the guests will see all those nieces and nephews and not necessarily check their bloodlines.

That she wants sole dictatorship over who comes to a shower that you are hosting (or, more likely, have been instructed to host) without practical consideration for her guests is equally officious.

While not a tradition with which Miss Manners agrees, she supposes that the bride is presuming that “women only” is traditional for showers. But then, traditionally, showers are never given by family members — or ones to be.

You might politely point out the many inconveniences these exclusions pose for her guests.

Or, if that has no effect, perhaps the notion of receiving fewer presents will.

Dear Miss Manners: My brother-in-law, who has been engaged for 10 months, is now getting married. My husband, the groom’s brother, and I got married less than two years ago, before my brother-in-law met my future sister-in-law.

When they got engaged, she immediately chose wedding colors and bridesmaid dresses.

To my shock, she picked the same three colors as my wedding colors, and the bridesmaid dresses are the same color as well.

I would normally let this go, as some girls dream of weddings and colors years prior to getting engaged.

But she was aware of our colors, and has on multiple occasions been rude and nasty.

She and her mother have harangued members of the family in the name of following a printed list of “wedding etiquette” guidelines.

So did she commit the original wedding etiquette faux pas by choosing the same wedding colors (and first dance song) as our recent family nuptials?

How do I let this go when she has been so nasty to others over wedding etiquette?

Gentle reader: During whatever rude and nasty conflicts you may engage in with your future sisterin-law and her mother, please omit such patently false claims about etiquette.

Of course it does not issue trademarks on wedding colors.

Miss Manners could even imagine that repeating them would benefit anyone in both wedding parties, who would not then have to invest in another costume.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.