A look back at what the (BLEEP) happened last week
It’s the end of one week and the start of another, and, like most sentient beings, I’m asking the pressing question: What the (BLEEP) just happened?
Joe Biden launches presidential bid
Former Vice President Joe Biden extracted his foot from its traditional home in his mouth long enough this week to announce that he’s running for president, joining the current slate of 23,567 Democratic presidential candidates. (Oops, sorry, as I typed that it went up to 23,570.)
While Biden has global name recognition and more legislative experience than anyone in the field, he stands in stark contrast to the diverse array of Democrats vying for the nomination. Simply put: He’s a 76-year-old white guy in a country where many have about had it with older white guys running things (into the ground).
Part of that problem was on display last month when a former candidate for Nevada lieutenant governor claimed Biden had kissed the back of her head and touched her shoulders at a 2014 campaign event. Biden responded with a sincere promise to be “more mindful” of people’s personal space, then a couple of days later cracked a joke after hugging a man at a conference, saying, “I had permission.”
Good one, Uncle Joe! You clearly get why creepy head nibbles and shoulder touching is inappropriate!
Handsiness aside, the avuncular Biden, like the other male candidates in the race, will undoubtedly face many deep, substantive policy questions while the female candidates who have been carefully spelling out sensible policy ideas will be asked why they don’t smile more.
Gov. J.B. Pritzker LOVES yanking toilets!
Anyone familiar with Illinois’ long and non-proud history of gubernatorial malfeasance should find Gov. J.B. Pritzker’s ongoing toilet scandal almost charmingly on-the-nose.
A Cook County inspector general’s report released in October accused Pritzer of getting $330,000 in tax breaks as part of a “scheme to defraud” taxpayers. At the heart of that accusation were five toilets that Pritzker’s wife had yanked from a Gold Coast mansion the family was rehabbing in 2015. The toilet yanking made the home uninhabitable, which meant it got reassessed at a lower value. That’s the kind of forwardthinking lavatory strategy you look for in an elected official.
On Wednesday, WBEZFM 91.5 quoted an unnamed law enforcement source saying the feds are now sniffing around Pritzker’s toilets. While Pritzker tried to downplay the tawdry toilet talk during the campaign, saying it was all politically motivated, it doesn’t seem to be going away.
Pritzker responded to WBEZ’s report by saying: “Let me be clear that I’m very confident that any review of this matter will show that all the rules were followed.”
As a show of support, I suggest all Illinoisans immediately remove their toilets, cash in on the ensuing tax breaks and take to the streets. To use the bathroom.
R. Kelly misses court date
Frequent defendant (and singer) R. Kelly didn’t bother to show up at a Cook County Circuit Court hearing last week to put up a defense against a lawsuit alleging underage sex abuse, presumably because he has so many other cases to attend to.
A judgment was entered against Kelly and, if he fails to have an attorney intervene, he could be ordered to pay damages to the alleged victim as early as next month.
The victim is now 36, but she claims Kelly had repeated sexual contact with her starting in 1998 when she was 16. Kelly has separately been charged with 10 counts of aggravated sexual abuse involving four victims, three of whom were underage.
If this all seems disgusting to you, then you are a reasonable human being.
Iowa Rep. Steve King totally ‘gets’ Jesus
U.S. Rep. Steve King (R(acist)-Iowa) said last week that he understands the suffering of Jesus Christ because he too has suffered.
Granted, King hasn’t suffered in the “nailed to a cross” kind of way, but he has been accused of being a white nationalist and white supremacist, and that apparently really hurt his feelings.
All King did to deserve such spurious accusations, aside from making racist comments throughout his career, was to say to The New York Times in January: “White nationalist, white supremacist, Western civilization — how did that language become offensive?”
You see? He’s not a white nationalist or a white supremacist. He just doesn’t get why those things are bad. Just like Jesus!
On Tuesday, King said this to a small group of people who made the illadvised decision to come listen to him: “When I have to step down to the floor of the House of Representatives, and look up at those 400-and-some accusers — you know we just passed through Easter and Christ’s passion — and I have better insight into what He went through for us, partly because of that experience.”
Reached for comment via text message, Jesus responded with an eye-roll emoji.
Wisconsin Powerball winner should really give me some money
A 24-year-old man from Wisconsin was revealed as the winner of a $768 million Powerball prize on Tuesday.
Wisconsin law requires that lottery winners’ names be made public. That is both dumb and dangerous, so we here at “What the (BLEEP) Just Happened?” will not be using the young man’s name. He quickly quit his job and said: “I’m just going to take off somewhere and, honestly, just take my time with it, think it over, talk to my family and make sure I spent it in the right way.”
I applaud that decision. It’s obvious that “newly wealthy 24-year-old man from Wisconsin” is wise beyond his years, and also arguably the most handsome man in America. I hope he runs for president, because he is exactly the type of person we need running this country. He should also win the Nobel Peace Prize.
And if he needs a highly paid spokesperson, my email is at the bottom of this column. (Did I mention how handsome he is?)