From Trump to a gator, it was just another perplexing week
Another week just ended, and I’m exhausted from defending democracy with my Truth Cannon. I feel dizzy and perplexed, and I’m once again asking: What the (BLEEP) just happened?
Trump holds White House social media party with raving internet lunatics: Donald Trump, the actual president of the United States of America, spoke these words Thursday: “To me, free speech is not when you see something good and then you purposefully write bad. To me that’s very dangerous speech and you become angry at it. But that’s not free speech.”
No, he wasn’t joking. He just doesn’t understand what the words “free” or “speech” mean, and probably most other words as well.
This statement was made at a bizarro-world gathering of right-wing social media carnival barkers who were invited to the White House — that’s right, the actual White House — to join the president in whining about how they think social media companies are biased against conservatives.
(That’s funny because there’s no actual evidence of social media “bias” against conservatives, and the assortment of vitriolic hate-twirlers who showed up fit the historical definition of “conservatives” about as well as I fit the definition of “not opinionated.”)
Trump lauded those gathered, appropriately, by saying: “Some of you are extraordinary. The crap you think of is unbelievable.”
They do come up with unbelievable crap, which they then use to weave twisted conspiracy theories, often augmented with a touch of anti-Semitism, about liberals running secret child sex trafficking rings out of pizza parlors or a deep state cabal hellbent on undermining Trump’s presidency.
Among the Who’s Who of Who Cares in attendance were Ali Alexander, who recently launched a racist online conspiracy theory that Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Kamala Harris is not an “American black,” and Jim Hoft, who runs a conspiracy theory website called Gateway Pundit that is prime reading material for guys who used to just sit at the end of bars and yell incoherently.
Sadly, no one was available to put a tent on this particular circus.
Humboldt Park lagoon gator becomes the hero America needs: In these days of partisan division and unsavory social media screaming matches, a true American hero emerged from the murky depths of the Humboldt Park Lagoon.
The alligator was discovered Tuesday and by Wednesday morning it had penned a letter I revealed in a Chicago Tribune exclusive. Identifying itself as Humbert, the alligator basically asked Chicagoans to move along and let him live in peace, free from spying and government intrusion. (Most alligators are staunch Libertarians.)
As Humbert continued to evade capture, the lagoon dweller inspired a nation and drew disparate people together in a call for reptilian amnesty.
Not all heroes wear capes. Some lurk among the lily pads, waiting for a turtle to crunch on.
Apparently letting your kids ride in an inflatable pool on the roof of your car is illegal. What is this, Russia? The nanny state struck again last week, as a perfectly responsible mother from Dixon, Illinois, wound up in legal trouble for having her two daughters ride on top of her moving SUV to hold down an inflatable pool she put on the roof of the vehicle.
Is this really the kind of country we want to live in? One where a person is barred from driving along a highway with two children sitting in a blue kiddie pool on the roof of her white Audi Q5?
Who among us HASN’T used a child or two to hold things down on the roof of a car while driving? I once used a pair of my neighbor’s tweens as roofweights to help me haul a load of drywall.
THIS IS AMERICA, FOR GOD’S SAKE!
Hey, here’s another reason to really dislike Cubs owner Todd Ricketts: Great news! If you didn’t already dislike Chicago Cubs co-owner Todd Ricketts because of his proTrump politics, you can now dislike him for being a property tax cheat.
A Tribune investigation found that Ricketts has been paying property taxes based on the value of a home he tore down and replaced with a home about twice as large.
Per the story: “State law required Ricketts to notify the assessor that he had built a new home in 2010, but a spokesman for the assessor’s office said there’s no record that Ricketts ever did.”
Oops! It’s funny because Ricketts is super rich and supports a super-rich president who claims he wants to help the “forgotten American” but they both do everything they can to evade taxes that might
Not all heroes wear capes. Some lurk among the lily pads, waiting for a turtle to crunch on.
actually help some forgotten Americans!
I suggest a slight modification to the popular “Go Cubs Go” song: “Hey, Chicago, what do you say/ Taxes are something Ricketts should pay.”
U.S. women’s soccer players celebrate World Cup win, making tons of big man-babies sad: Players from the U.S. women’s national soccer team, fresh off winning their second consecutive World Cup,rode in a ticker-tape parade in New York City last week.
Right-wing conspiracy theorist Sebastian Gorka took to Salem Radio Network (whatever that is) to say of the women’s team: “They’ve gone insane, and they want to destroy everything that is wholesome in our country and in our Judeo-Christian civilization.”
The Daily Wire’s Ben Shapiro mocked the team’s political stands and calls for pay equity as “obnoxious” and said star player Megan Rapinoe is getting big contracts because she is “a very outspoken lesbian.”
While drips like Gorka and Shapiro waited for someone to dial 911 and call them a WHAAAAAAAAAAMBULANCE, the swath of humanity that’s not painfully insecure and whiny cheered on the team. Aly Hoover, 12, of New Jersey, was at the parade and said: “I just want to be like them.”
Which means she wants to be a winner. Unlike the aforementioned drips.