Lining up for the Golden Moutza of December
Is it possible to award the Golden Moutza of December without touching on politics?
There are certainly many possibilities.
Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace drafted failed quarterback Mitchell Trubisky. The Bears sucked. Pace didn’t provide a decent offensive line, or tight ends, yet the offensive line coach and tight ends coach were fired.
And Pace still has a job, like an Illinois politician. You cash in and leave others with the bill. Haven’t we seen this movie before?
Or what of that British psychologist who thinks anyone who dares say “nerd” or “geek” should be charged with a hate crime.
Haven’t the Brits seen the movie “No Safe Spaces,” or is that illegal over there too?
All I wanted was to give out a rare December Golden Moutza to someone outside the political realm, so readers could offer the palm of their hand and a hearty Hellenic “Nah!” of contempt to a few nonpolitical morons.
But agitators who want only politics immediately started a revolt.
“I’m guessing that the ‘no politics’ thing is going nowhere,” noted Joyce Burger.
“The moutza was made for politics and politicians, John,” declared reader Bob Thompson. “(Deleted),” said another.
It was then that I dreamed I was the governor, with the power to legalize narcotics and calm the proles down before bending them to my will.
By politics, I didn’t mean Gov. J.B. Pritzker pushing legal weed on angry Illinois taxpayers, to keep us in a state of passive bliss and avert a revolution.
That’s not politics, per se. That’s brilliant policy. The only way Pritzker could improve it would be to order all cannabis shops be renamed “JB’s Soma Salons,” in honor of Aldous Huxley.
“Only in Illinois can stupid, greedy politicians raise taxes on pot so high that they make the street corner gang dealers look like a bargain by comparison,” said Don Petersen.
As I was writing this, a city worker friend working on Chicago’s West Side told me that dealers are now shouting “No taxes! We don’t tax!” as customers pulled up for their illegal non-Pritzker-approved weed.
Politics never ends. The U.S. killing of that murderous Iranian general, with American blood on his hands, attracts politics like flies. But that deserves serious consideration not to be found in a moutza column.
To lighten things up, what about Santa? Or those internet nutballs who think veggie burgers will give men breasts?
“I’m giving Santa a moutza for giving my daughter an unassembled bedroom set from Ikea for Christmas!” said Matthew Latourette. “I’ve been reading Swedish hieroglyphic instruction manuals for days. ‘Nah!’ to Santa. What were you thinking?” Yeah, Santa.
Mike Hartley, a “Star Wars” fan, as am I, has been triggered by the Baby Yoda phenomenon. But I’m now, weirdly, inexplicably, starting to hate on Baby Yoda.
“Baby Yoda, for being too cute,” said Hartley. “NAH! You little green imaginary creature!”
Baby Yoda may be imaginary. He or she (may I still use pronouns when discussing fictional creatures?) is most definitely cute.
But I also hear that Baby Yodas are delicious when sauteed with garlic, and spritz of lemon juice to brighten things up, and maybe some parsley. I should nominate myself for that sick thought.
“We’ve had some solid, food-related moutzas in 2019,” writes Ann MacIntosh Baker. “Seems fitting to end the year with another gem. Burger King’s ‘Impossible Burger’ accused of causing men to grow breasts? ‘Nah’ to you and food related ridiculousness.”
I didn’t believe it, but yes, deranged right-wing conspiracy theorists on the internet, possibly on behalf of the livestock industry, insist the veggie based Impossible Burger causes men to grow breasts. That’s fake news and a big fat lie.
I’ve eaten them — I toss the buns away for health reasons — and have not grown breasts. Not that I wanted to. But I’m secure in my soy-based masculinity.
“My choice is People magazine for not naming John Kass ‘Sexiest Man Alive,’ ” said Linda Feddor Cappozzo. “Let’s see, he escaped death. He is a writer of truth. Nah! to People, which doesn’t know that intelligence is sexy. Oh and I forgot to mention he cooks! Tell me that’s not sexy!”
I’d feel much sexier if I could see the tips of my shoes. But thanks Linda.
“If you’re sticking with ‘no politics,’ then it has to be the Chicago Bears,” said Ray Siebert. “High ticket prices, mediocre product. Customers who bought season tickets were screwed once again. Nah!”
Pace and coach Matt Nagy met the media the other day for a news conference. After it was over, the assistant coaches were fired.
Are these the acts of Chicago Bears or Chicago Weasels?
Nah!
“I vote for the PC police who want to make calling someone a ‘nerd,’ a hate crime,” says Eddie Matsuoka. “One way to shut us up is to eliminate every word that isn’t approved by ‘Big Mother.’ ”
The newest member of the Thought Police is Dr. Sonja Falck, a lecturer at the University of East London. She appeared on a morning TV show with a nerdy mathematician who described himself as a “proud geek.”
But she said calling someone a “geek” or “nerd,” or “brainiac” or “egghead,” should be a crime. And, she insisted that “neurodiversity” should be recognized by civilized society.
And if you disagree, and she had the power, she’d put you in a dungeon.
Dr. PC, just who do you think you are, Cersei Lannister?
On behalf of “proud geeks” everywhere, you just earned yourself the Golden Moutza of December.
You don’t talk to the hand. The hand talks to you. It says “Freedom.”
And it says “Nah!”
Listen to “The Chicago Way” podcast with John Kass and Jeff Carlin — at www.wgnradio.com/category/wgnplus/thechicagoway.