Burning through pot while Trump fiddles toward war
America’s most-beloved Week in Review was on hiatus over the holidays. But it’s back, and I’m tasked with wiping the dust off the desk at What-the(BLEEP) headquarters and wading into the weekly news trough to separate the good slop from the bad, asking, as always: “What the (BLEEP) just happened?”
Illinois is facing a pot shortage and I’m not mad, I’m disappointed:
Recreational marijuana has been legal in Illinois for less than two weeks and dispensaries are already running out or running low, leading me to ask my fellow Illinoisans to please stop smoking all the pot.
Seriously. I haven’t even had a chance to try legal weed yet, and already you dope-hogs are bogarting the doobage.
According to a report by my colleague Ally Marotti, “Illinois marijuana shops sold more than $10.8 million worth of recreational weed in the first five days of sales.”
That amounted to more than 271,000 purchases and some dispensaries have already had to stop selling recreational product.
Slow it down, people. How high do you need to be?
Pot-curious people like me, wondering if legal marijuana tastes different from the illegal marijuana we may or may not have tried in college, should have a chance to leisurely get around to buying some whenever we get over the paranoia of doing something that still feels like it should be illegal.
Iran fires missiles, Trump bellows, two Republicans find a spine:
The Trump administration’s explanation for the U.S. military strike that killed one of Iran’s top commanders has been on par with throwing a pot of spaghetti at the wall and hoping a noodle or two will stick.
There were claims it was based on exquisite intelligence of an imminent threat, but the administration wouldn’t share that intelligence, even with congressional lawmakers in a secure setting, leading to an event as rare as a unicorn sighting: a Republican critical of Donald Trump.
After a briefing Wednesday on justification for the airstrike, Republican Sen. Mike Lee, of Utah, said it was “probably the worst briefing I’ve seen, at least on a military issue, in the nine years I’ve served in the United States Senate.” He and Republican Sen. Rand Paul said they support a resolution that would limit Trump’s ability to take military action against Iran.
Careful guys, if you start sprouting spines, soon every Republican will want one.
Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive ends, Rex apparently rocks:
The Second-Annual Insult-AColumnist Holiday Food Drive, which benefits the Greater Chicago Food Depository, ended on Dec. 31, and the results were awesome.
You kind and generous people expressed your opinion of me, via a RexStinks or RexRocks team, and donated more than $100,000 to help people throughout Cook County facing food insecurity. That amounts to more than 300,000 meals, and it will help the food depository supply pantries and other programs throughout the year.
For reasons I don’t fully understand, the RexRocks team won in dramatic fashion. The final tally was RexRocks $57,076.03, RexStinks $35,136.25. My crippling insecurity will struggle to accept this outcome, but the market has spoken: I rock.
As promised, certificates for the top 20 donors from each team have been printed and are being sent to the kind folks at the food depository. They will mail the certificates out, and I’ll cover all shipping costs.
Also as promised, I’ll soon write a column extolling my amazingness, and I’ll post a video of me doing a horrifying celebratory dance outside the Tribune offices. It will be utterly sickening.
In the meantime, my sincere thanks to all who donated and spread the word.
Search warrants issued in Smollett special prosecutor investigation:
The baffling Jussie Smollett case took a step toward clarity — maybe? — as a Cook County judge ordered Google to turn over the former “Empire” actor’s emails, private messages and other data to the special prosecutor investigating the case.
Per a Tribune report on two search warrants issued: “The warrants, filed last month in Circuit Court, sought a trove of documentation from Smollett and his manager’s Google accounts — not just emails but also drafted and deleted messages; any files in their Google Drive cloud storage services; any Google Voice texts, calls and contacts; search and web browsing history; and location data.”
Police believe Smollett staged an attack on himself. Smollett claims two Nigerian brothers involved in the alleged attack are homophobic and lied to police about the attack being staged. And questions abound as to why State’s Attorney Kim Foxx’s office dismissed disorderly conduct charges shortly after Smollett was indicted.
The new search warrants, one would hope, will bring the truth closer to the light. Which would be nice, because this whole thing has been murky from the start.
Royal family has opening for new members:
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle shocked the world by announcing they would “step back” from Britain’s royal family and spend part of their time living in North America, prompting many to think: “If I’d known it was that easy to ‘step back’ from family, I would’ve done it years ago.”
It’s not clear where in North America Markle, an actress and Northwestern University graduate, and Harry, the youngest son of Prince Charles and the late Princess Diana, will be spending their time. And I don’t care.
What matters is that the royal family consider me as a possible replacement for that ungrateful duo. Unlike them, I am perfectly comfortable being rich and not having to work, and I will dress up in whatever silly outfits are required.
If anyone at Buckingham Palace needs to reach me, my email is at the bottom of this column. God save the queen!