Those stim­u­lus checks from Trump should have an NDA

Chicago Tribune (Sunday) - - CHICAGO LAND - Rex W. Hup­pke rhup­[email protected]­bune.com

Don­ald Trump, our great­est pres­i­dent ever, is mak­ing ar­range­ments to com­bat the eco­nomic im­pact of the coron­avirus pan­demic by cut­ting a check to each and ev­ery cit­i­zen of the Amer­ica he has made great again.

While it’s not clear how much the checks will be for, rest as­sured they will be per­fect and fan­tas­tic and the best checks ever given out to the Amer­i­can peo­ple dur­ing a pan­demic that is rapidly get­ting worse but not be­cause Pres­i­dent Trump did any­thing wrong.

The Trea­sury De­part­ment is propos­ing two waves of checks to­tal­ing $500 bil­lion. The first checks would start go­ing out April 6 and the sec­ond set would go out some­time in May.

I’ll leave the de­tails to the Trump ad­min­is­tra­tion, which has clearly shown its ex­per­tise at han­dling ev­ery­thing that comes its way. But I will make one sug­ges­tion I hope Pres­i­dent Trump will con­sider.

In this time of great na­tional unity, it’s im­por­tant for ev­ery­one to re­al­ize that many Amer­i­cans are to­tal jerks and losers, mainly the lib­er­als and De­moslimes who refuse to ac­knowl­edge what a per­fect job Trump has done han­dling the coron­avirus.

In or­der to pro­tect the pres­i­dent’s feel­ings and rep­u­ta­tion — which we all know is the pri­mary mis­sion of the fed­eral gov­ern­ment — I be­lieve ev­ery Amer­i­can who receives a coron­avirus stim­u­lus check should have to sign a nondis­clo­sure agree­ment. It would be straight­for­ward and to­tally rea­son­able and would look some­thing like this:

I, (write your name here, es­pe­cially if you’re a stupid lib or you work for Fake News CNN), ac­cept this ex­tremely gen­er­ous and per­fect coron­avirus stim­u­lus check and swear, un­der penalty of be­ing locked up like Crooked Hil­lary should be, that I will abide by the fol­low­ing rules.

1) I will al­ways say Pres­i­dent Don­ald Trump has done an amaz­ing job han­dling the coron­avirus pan­demic, prob­a­bly the most amaz­ing job ever.

2) I will al­ways praise Trump’s de­ci­sion to re­strict travel from China in Jan­uary and call it bril­liant and say it saved many lives. And I will not bring up the fact that the three ma­jor air­lines with ser­vice to China — Amer­i­can Air­lines, Delta and United — had al­ready halted ser­vice to China, ren­der­ing the pres­i­dent’s travel re­stric­tion moot.

3) I will never make ref­er­ence to the times in Jan­uary when Trump said of the coron­avirus: “It’s go­ing to be just fine. We have it to­tally un­der con­trol”; “It will all work out well”; and “We think we have it very well un­der con­trol.”

4) I will per­ma­nently forget the pres­i­dent’s Feb. 24 state­ment, “The Coron­avirus is very much un­der con­trol in the USA.” I will also pre­tend his Feb. 26 com­ment — “Be­cause of all we’ve done, the risk to the Amer­i­can peo­ple re­mains very low” — was never made.

5) I will not, un­der any cir­cum­stances, sug­gest it was hyp­o­crit­i­cal for Pres­i­dent Trump to say on March 15 that the “very con­ta­gious virus” is “some­thing that we have tremen­dous con­trol over” and then, the next day, say, “If you’re talk­ing about the virus, no, that’s not un­der con­trol for any place in the world.”

6) I will re­peat, with great fre­quency, Pres­i­dent Trump’s 100% truth­ful state­ment of March 17: “I’ve felt that it was a pan­demic long be­fore it was called a pan­demic.”

7) I will em­brace the pres­i­dent’s la­bel­ing of the novel coron­avirus that causes the dis­ease known as COVID-19 as “the Chi­nese virus” and will never sug­gest the pres­i­dent is try­ing to use a racist la­bel deemed un­ac­cept­able by the global sci­en­tific com­mu­nity to pa­per over his bun­gled re­sponse to a global pan­demic.

8) I will re­spond to any­one who says such la­bel­ing is racist by call­ing that per­son a racist with­out pro­vid­ing any facts or logic to support that ar­gu­ment.

9) I will point out that peo­ple used the term “Span­ish Flu” and no­body thought it was racist, and I will refuse to ac­knowl­edge the fact that the Span­ish Flu didn’t orig­i­nate in Spain and the la­bel was, in fact, highly xeno­pho­bic.

10) I will al­ways re­mem­ber and re­cite this in­cred­i­bly per­fect 2018 quote from Pres­i­dent Trump: “What you’re see­ing and what you’re read­ing is not what’s hap­pen­ing.” And I will never com­pare it to this in­cred­i­bly ir­rel­e­vant “1984” quote from Ge­orge Or­well: “The party told you to re­ject the ev­i­dence of your eyes and ears. It was their fi­nal, most es­sen­tial com­mand.”

All folks have to do is sign the NDA and en­joy their ab­so­lutely per­fect money. Fair’s fair.

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