Those stimulus checks from Trump should have an NDA
Donald Trump, our greatest president ever, is making arrangements to combat the economic impact of the coronavirus pandemic by cutting a check to each and every citizen of the America he has made great again.
While it’s not clear how much the checks will be for, rest assured they will be perfect and fantastic and the best checks ever given out to the American people during a pandemic that is rapidly getting worse but not because President Trump did anything wrong.
The Treasury Department is proposing two waves of checks totaling $500 billion. The first checks would start going out April 6 and the second set would go out sometime in May.
I’ll leave the details to the Trump administration, which has clearly shown its expertise at handling everything that comes its way. But I will make one suggestion I hope President Trump will consider.
In this time of great national unity, it’s important for everyone to realize that many Americans are total jerks and losers, mainly the liberals and Demoslimes who refuse to acknowledge what a perfect job Trump has done handling the coronavirus.
In order to protect the president’s feelings and reputation — which we all know is the primary mission of the federal government — I believe every American who receives a coronavirus stimulus check should have to sign a nondisclosure agreement. It would be straightforward and totally reasonable and would look something like this:
I, (write your name here, especially if you’re a stupid lib or you work for Fake News CNN), accept this extremely generous and perfect coronavirus stimulus check and swear, under penalty of being locked up like Crooked Hillary should be, that I will abide by the following rules.
1) I will always say President Donald Trump has done an amazing job handling the coronavirus pandemic, probably the most amazing job ever.
2) I will always praise Trump’s decision to restrict travel from China in January and call it brilliant and say it saved many lives. And I will not bring up the fact that the three major airlines with service to China — American Airlines, Delta and United — had already halted service to China, rendering the president’s travel restriction moot.
3) I will never make reference to the times in January when Trump said of the coronavirus: “It’s going to be just fine. We have it totally under control”; “It will all work out well”; and “We think we have it very well under control.”
4) I will permanently forget the president’s Feb. 24 statement, “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.” I will also pretend his Feb. 26 comment — “Because of all we’ve done, the risk to the American people remains very low” — was never made.
5) I will not, under any circumstances, suggest it was hypocritical for President Trump to say on March 15 that the “very contagious virus” is “something that we have tremendous control over” and then, the next day, say, “If you’re talking about the virus, no, that’s not under control for any place in the world.”
6) I will repeat, with great frequency, President Trump’s 100% truthful statement of March 17: “I’ve felt that it was a pandemic long before it was called a pandemic.”
7) I will embrace the president’s labeling of the novel coronavirus that causes the disease known as COVID-19 as “the Chinese virus” and will never suggest the president is trying to use a racist label deemed unacceptable by the global scientific community to paper over his bungled response to a global pandemic.
8) I will respond to anyone who says such labeling is racist by calling that person a racist without providing any facts or logic to support that argument.
9) I will point out that people used the term “Spanish Flu” and nobody thought it was racist, and I will refuse to acknowledge the fact that the Spanish Flu didn’t originate in Spain and the label was, in fact, highly xenophobic.
10) I will always remember and recite this incredibly perfect 2018 quote from President Trump: “What you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening.” And I will never compare it to this incredibly irrelevant “1984” quote from George Orwell: “The party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.”
All folks have to do is sign the NDA and enjoy their absolutely perfect money. Fair’s fair.