Thanks, AOC, for making it easier to confront the bullies
As I sat down to write this column, I realized I had a problem: Could I say f------ b---- in the Tribune?
A week ago I would have known the answer was no and it would never have occurred to me to ask. Two vulgar words that become even more vulgar when used together was definitely not Tribune style.
But a week ago feels like a long time ago.
It was before a U.S. congressman allegedly used the term to describe a U.S. congresswoman, publicly and loud enough to be overheard by a journalist from The Hill, who reported it.
It was before the congresswoman — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Democrat of New York — stood on the floor of the House of Representatives to decry the behavior of the congressman — Ted Yoho, a Republican of Florida — and in doing so quoted the two vulgar words, which were recorded in the Congressional Record for what must be the first time in history.
And it was before publications everywhere had to debate whether to print those words. Some, including The New York Times and The New Yorker, printed them in full, presumably to convey their full brutal punch. Many, like the Tribune, have chosen a more oblique approach, which gets to the heart of the matter from a different angle: They’re awful words.
But wait, you may be protesting. We hear those words all the time. Women use them. They’re on T-shirts, in songs. What’s the big deal?
The big deal is context. When a man says those words to a woman, they’re nothing but ugly, an attempt to dominate and demean. When a powerful man says those words about a woman, they are an abuse of power as well as of the woman. When he does it in the presence of another man — Yoho was with another congressman — he makes it clear how permissible it is to bully women.
From an early age, women are forced to endure a certain kind of verbal insult from certain kinds of men. We learn to ignore much of it. But Ocasio-Cortez chose not to ignore this. She said she’d been tempted to, but then Yoho stood up in Congress and offered some mumbo-jumbo of excuses.
“Having been married for 45 years with two daughters, I’m very cognizant of language,” he said. He said he’d been misheard. He apologized for the “misunderstanding” but added, “I cannot apologize for my passion or for loving my God, my family and my country.”
Ocasio-Cortez decided that ignoring his non-apology was to accept the unacceptable.
“This issue is not about one incident,” she said in her speech. “It is cultural. It is a culture of ... accepting violence and violent language against women and an entire structure of power that supports that.”
Cynics chalked her speech up to political theater, and it was good theater. A smart, passionate woman with force and restraint commanded a hall of power as she said things that hadn’t been spoken in that room in that way before. Call it theater, or call it truth.
“A distraction from our pressing issues!” cried the cynics, but she understood that from the White House on down, the bullying of women by men is one of the country’s greatest problems.
“This is not new,” she said. “And that is the problem.”
She spoke for millions of women when, referring to other congresswomen, she said, “All of us have had to deal with this in some form, some way, some shape in our lives.”
She derided the common tactic of “using women, wives, and daughters as shields and excuses for poor behavior.”
“Having a daughter does not make a man decent,” she said. “Having a wife does not make a decent man. Treating people with dignity and respect makes a decent man.”
From an early age, women are forced to endure a certain kind of verbal insult from certain kinds of men. We learn to ignore much of it. But Ocasio-Cortez chose not to ignore this.
Most women have their version of the f------ b---- stories. Some of mine include emails from readers who resort to sexual vulgarities to disagree with something I’ve written. They sneak through the spam filters by using asterisks or dashes. Sometimes, when I can’t help myself, I write to tell them I hope they don’t talk to the women in their lives that way, though I fear they do.
Mostly, though, I ignore them. Women learn early that speaking out or talking back to men who talk that way can be exhausting and downright dangerous. But Ocasio-Cortez has done us all a service. By standing in front of the world, in a room full of power, refusing to ignore the unacceptable, she makes it a little easier for others to do the same.