No malarkey, Biden’s ‘El Cid’ strategy against Trump
Whowill win “The Clash of the Epically Flawed Personalities,” or as you might mistakenly call it TuesdayNight’s presidential debate between Republican President DonaldTrump and Democrat Joe Biden?
Just to prove to you that I can keepmy opinion out of this opinion column, I’ll give you a thoroughly unopinionated prediction: Biden will win.
C’mon man! Enough with the malarkey. There is noway Biden can lose the first one. I expect him to use the “ElCid” strategy from the oldHollywood extravaganza starring the beautiful Sophia Loren and handsomely conservative CharltonHeston.
But first consider all the opponents inTuesday’s debate. Biden will debateTrump. ButTrump could be debating three people: Biden, the person who might be giving Biden the debate answers through the “hearing aid” andTrump himself.
Trump has always been
Trump’s nemesis, especially Evil Trump, the one with the horns who pops out, usually when the president has his thumbs onTwitter at odd hours of the night.
Americansmight likeTrump’s policies on tax cuts, his opposition to rioters, his handling of the economy and cutting cumbersome job-killing federal regulations.
But they’ve been told time and time again by many in the national media that they must ignore all this— and their 401(k)s— because, well, EvilTrump scares them.
APresident Biden might increase taxes, hurt the economy, ask China to run things and get Vice PresidentKamalaHarris to invoke the 25th Amendment in February, birthing the real “Harris Biden” administration, just as long as there is plenty of banana pudding in the WhiteHouse refrigerator.
But at least he’ll be a gentleman about it.
Trump is no gentleman. And Joe’s not EvilTrump.
Those idiotic tweets ofTrump have already hurt him with many suburban voters. If the president lets EvilTrump off the leash in the debate, cruelly mocking Joe for forgetting something, like what office Biden’s running for, it will be a disaster.
The president has foolishly lowered expectations for Biden, wondering if Biden has lost it and claiming the Democrat has received debate-enhancing drugs with a “big fat shot in the (buttocks).”
So as long as Biden stands straight and doesn’t have that blood-in-the-eye thing going on like he had in his debateswith Democrats, he’ll be declared the victor by the media.
Whodecides whowins a debate? You? You? Get real. The media decides. I know. I’m in the media. I’ve lived among them and have learned theirways.
Yes, I knowthis isn’t what you expected fromme. But I must be realistic.
As long as Joe doesn’t start wandering in JoeWorld, telling stories about his hairy legs turning blond in the sun, or his epic fight with “Corn Pop” (who knows?), or howhewas arrested trying to visitNelsonMandela (hewasn’t), he’ll be declared victorious.
But Bidenmust not revert to old bad habits, including that hair sniffing business. Such behavior might be disturbing in a president, but so far, the American people, with the help of the media, have kept the Biden sniffing thing out of their minds.
Debate moderator ChrisWallace is himself a creature ofWashington and noTrump fan, andmy worry is that Biden might rub Wallace’s shoulders and begin sniffing his neck. Thatwould be bad.
But as long as Joe doesn’t sniff hair, ask for banana pudding, wave his hands awkwardly for the teleprompter, or shout “Wha? Wha? I can’t hear you!!!” to the guy in the hearing aid, he’ll win.
I probably should haveworked in some real issues that should be asked in the debate. OK, but I don’t think issues will do any good.
Biden said months ago that he’d compile a shortlist of Blackwomen he’d like to nominate to theU.S. Supreme Court.
Trump offered a list of conservative judges he’d consider in the 2016 campaign. And by the time you read this, he may have nominated another to the Supreme Court. Biden doesn’twant to release his list now.
Where’s the list, Joe? C’mon Joe, don’t be a lying dog-faced pony soldier. Where’s your list?
The thing is, I don’t seeAmerica getting all that excited about issues, includingwhere Joe Biden’s sonHunter Biden made all his money. And what’s up with the widowed wife of the former mayor ofMoscow?
The main issue is that Joe seems nice. AndTrump has Evil Trump lurking around, always ready to pounce.
Nowabout “El Cid.” It’s more than three hours long, and I’ve only seen it about 800 times, which is about 2,500 hours devoted to Spain and its Reconquista war against theMoors.
At the end (spoiler alert), El Cid dies at the Siege ofValencia. They put the dead Cid in his armor and strapped him to his magnificent Andalusianwar horse and sent him out to ride among the invaders. Terrified, they panicked and fled, suchwas the power of the Cid.
And such is the power of the Biden.
It doesn’t really matter what Biden does. All he has to do is showup and look somewhat alive.
Once Biden is proclaimed the victor onTuesday, he’ll cancel the other two debates on account of COVID-19 andwait for the mailin votes.
C’monman. Nomalarkey.