Conservative mystery donor threatens to upend food drive

The ThirdAnnual Insult-AColumnistHoliday Food Drive is a little more than halfway done, and I’m shocked and appalled to report that the RexRocks team is trouncing the RexStinks team. It’s not even close.

But that could soon change. Someone I’ll refer to only as “an area oligarch” has decided to rally the RexStinks team with an offer I’ll refer to only as “outrageously generous.”

The personwill start by making a $10,000 donation to the Greater Chicago Food Depository under the RexStinks team name. That’s amazing, and will help feed Chicagoans facing food insecurity, but itwon’t come close to evening the score. The RexRocks team currently leads the Rex Stinks team by more than $92,000!

(Youwon’t find a biggerRex Huppke critic than me andmy vast personal collection of insecurities, and I can assure you there isNOWAY I’m $92,000 above stinking. On a good day, I might be, say, $1.50 above stinking. And that’s being generous.)

The second phase of this kind (to everyone except me) onepercenter’s plan is this: He’ll match donations to the RexStinks team up to $50,000. That means if you donate $50 to the Food Depository under the RexStinks team name, this personwill put in an additional $50. If people who rightfully loathe me wind up donating a total of $50,000, the oligarch will match that amount, easily pulling the RexStinks team back into contention.

The total raised so far in this year’s drive ismore than $104,000, which is outstanding and translates to about 312,000 meals. The Food Depository supplies hundreds of food pantries, shelters and soup kitchens, all of which have seen sharp increases in demand this year as the coronavirus pandemic left many jobless or facing reducedwork hours.

Should the aforementioned oligarch’s devious plot to serve memyjust desserts prevail, the virtual food drive could raise more than $200,000. And if the RexRocks team can’t muster enough grassroots support, or an oligarch of its own, theRexStinks team might finally prevail.

To that end, letme remind everyone of the stakes in this year’s Insult-A-ColumnistHoliday Food Drive.

There’s the core offer: If the RexStinks teamwins, I’ll write a column degradingmyself and highlightingmy every flaw— a truly brutal, public takedown of my wretchedness.

If the RexRocks teamwins, I’llwrite a column praising myself inways thatwould make President Donald Trump, an unparalleled narcissist, say, “Wow, that seems a bit much.”

Beyond that, I’ll sit downwith the top five donors fromeach team via Zoom and have a 10- or 15-minute chat. You can yell at me, ask me whatever youwant, make fun ofmy stupid face or just let me regale you with tales ofmy upbringing in the swamps of central Florida and the time my self-esteem got eaten by a gator.

The next five highest donors fromeach groupwill receive a video of me saying whatever theywant me to say. Maybe you knowsomeone who likes the columns (I realize this is unlikely). I’ll gladly record a video giving that person a shoutout.

If you knowsomeone who despises me, I will recite for that person whatever youwant me to recite (as long as it’s trashingme and not others), and as a special bonus, I’ll have a family member splash coldwater inmy face. My self-degradation and physical discomfort will be HILARIOUS!

The total raised so far in this year’s drive is more than $104,000, which is outstanding and translates to about 312,000 meals.

Greater Chicago Food Depository officials will reach out to the top 10 donors fromeach team, so your email information — necessary for setting up a Zoom call or sending a video message— will come tome ONLY if you give the depository permission.

To all those who take time throughout the year to remind me that I’m an abysmal failure and an embarrassment tomy ancestors, this is your moment. One of your ownis ready and willing to match your donations and bring an end tomy illogical reign of awesomeness.

And for those who enjoymy blathering, this is your chance to stand up and defendmy honor, of which I have none.

Donate under RexStinks! Donate under RexRocks! I don’t care, it’s all going to help people who are unquestionably more important than I am.

We’ll run the food drive through Dec. 31. You can donate at this link: http://myfooddrive. org/#InsultRex.

I encourage you to share this column and that link with as many people as possible.

Thank you, and may the best (orworst) oligarch win.