In 2021, Trump forms own country; pants outlawed
Greetings, fellowAmericans, andwelcome to the sixth-annual edition ofRexHuppke’s 100%Solid-As-A-Rock-No-DoubtGuaranteedNewYear’s Predictions, a tradition beloved by all.
It has beenwell-established and scientifically proven (scientific proof will not be provided because it’s top-secret) that I possess the power of precognition, granted to meby aliens during a 1989 abduction. You can real all about it inmy yet-to-be-published book, “Things That DefinitelyHappened Because I Say They Did.”
Past highly accurate predictions have included the Chicago Bears winning Super Bowl LII in January of 2019 (the fact that the Bears didn’t play in that Super Bowl can be attributed to fraud on the part of theNational Football League) andmy pre-2020 vision that Republicanswould declare all crimes “legal,” something they did, but only applied to President DonaldTrump.
Criticsmay squawk and call me a fake prophet or a “uniquely unskilled predictor of coming events,” but they’re all just mad I featured them inmy other yet-tobe-published book, “ASweeping Compendium of Jerks.”
So without further ado, here aremy slam-dunk prognostications for 2021:
Donald TrumpWill Become President of “Scamsylvania”
Unable to admit he lost the 2020 presidential election, lameduck PresidentDonaldTrump will declare, aweek before President-elect Joe Biden’s inauguration, that he is stepping down as President of America so he can become President of a Florida enclave called Scamsylvania.
Trump will declare his new position “a far greater honor” than the office he previously held, and will say: “There is no greater country than Scamsylvania. While America had to bemade great again— by me, which itwas— the beautiful and perfect nation Scamsylvania is already great, because I created it.”
The new “country” will be built on 100 acres of south Florida swampland purchased by Trump’s son, Eric, using money Trump supporters donated to his election fight.
Residents of Scamsylvania will pledge fealty toTrump and pay a $50,000 initial membership fee plus $2,999 each month for “lawn care and gator removal.” Residents will also receive a free hat, though a delivery charge of $49.99 will apply.
Pants Will Finally Be Outlawed
With the arrival of the coronavirus vaccine, the nation will slowly begin to return to normal, and oncemore typical daily routines resume, Americans will collectively recognize what I have long referred to as “the tyranny of pants.”
Having lived largely pants-less though the lockdowns of 2020, an enlightened citizenry will call upon lawmakers to pass legislation barring the use of leg prisons inworkplaces and most public spaces.
This will create a huge number of jobs in both the shorts manufacturing and leg lotion industries.
The “Huggers” Will Have to Be Temporarily Incarcerated
Aless desirable outcome of the coronavirus pandemic abating will be the potential return of people who, when offered a handshake in pre-pandemic times, would smile and say, “No, put that away. I’m a hugger!”
These human-embrace enthusiasts will likely have more than a year of pent-up hugging adrenaline that could lead towidespread affection assaults and random enfolding.
While shaking hands will hopefully remain taboo, givenwhatwe nowknowabout virus transmission, we can’t assume the huggers will be physically able to maintain boundaries.
For that reason, they may need to be rounded up and temporarily incarcerated pending development of a proper deprogramming protocol.
Doctors WillDeclare Ice Cream“Medically Necessary”
Because 2020was, by any reasonable measure, a dreadful, horrible, awful, not-good year, the universe will seek to regain balance. One of the more significant steps in that direction will be the discovery that ice cream is, contrary to all previous medical research, not only healthy but lifeextending.
Ateam of researchers in the United States and England, funded by a generous grant from theDairy Queen Institute ofMedical Innovation, will find quantitative proof that a bowl of ice cream each night lowers cholesterol, burns calories and adds, on average, 7.9 years to people’s lives. (If chocolate syrup is added, the life span increase jumps to 8.3 years.)
This discovery will almost make people forget howhorrendous 2020was, but not quite.
I Will WishReaders, Friends And Foe Alike, A Happy New Year
This is, of course, the most surefire of all the predictions.
Iwill continue, day after day, to feel unbelievably fortunate to have this space, and to have people willing to readmy incessant word-babbling.
While some agree and laugh along and otherswish Iwould go far, far away, I wish each and every one of you nothing but the best in 2021.
May the year be happy, healthy and filled with fun.
Frommy family to yours, most sincerely: HappyNew Year!