Cash gift from sibling comes with instructions on its use

Dear Miss Manners: My sister-in-law sent my husband $1,200 and told him to spend it on clothes and stuff for himself.

It takes me one month to earn that kind of money working 40 hours a week.

For the past three months, I have been working 80 hours a week to support us.

I am stressed and tired to the max, but I do it so we can be comfortable. My husband does not work, which is an arrangement we agreed on.

We just got married and moved into a house that needs furnishings. I feel that he should not accept the gift if it is tied to how she wants it spent. I think that the money should be used to buy necessities. There are a lot of things we need and want. Clothes are not one of them — especially $1,200 worth of clothes.

I feel disrespected by his family. I work very hard to support us, and to have them dictate how to spend a gift of cash is creating a huge rift between us. Am I overthinking this?

Gentle reader: You are underthinking it.

Every time Miss Manners believes she has completed her list of reasons for disliking cash as presents, a Gentle Reader is kind enough to provide another.

Etiquette awards the choice of gift to the giver, but frowns on attaching conditions.

(The difference between a suggestion and a condition is left to the reader to determine.)

Etiquette also recognizes the recipient as the beneficiary.

Had your husband received a box of chocolates, it would have been considerate of him to offer you some — precisely because there was no requirement that he do so.

As both you and your sister-in-law are at fault, Miss Manners will address herself to your husband, and suggest that it will be easier on him if, in the future, when his sister wants to spoil him, she precedes it with a private phone call so she can provide an actual present.

Dear Miss Manners: I have had my unusually intelligent dog, “Regina,” enrolled in a class to learn advanced tricks. Each dog learned one major trick to demonstrate in a showcase at the end.

A different owner taught her dog to close a cupboard upon command, bringing in a detached cupboard and happily demonstrating that her dog would now nose the cupboard closed upon hearing, “Close it.” After the showcase, the cupboard was open as the students chatted with the instructor.

I mentioned that I should teach Regina the cupboard trick. Without really thinking, just mentally practicing, I looked at Regina and said, “Close it.” Regina promptly did so, since she knew what I meant after watching the other dog do it once.

The other owner’s face fell. I could see she was a little dismayed. I could see how it was thunder-stealing for Regina to easily learn something that had taken the other dog several weeks. I didn’t know what to do, though, so I just stood there awkwardly until the conversation moved on.

The real solution here is probably not to utter commands absentmindedly, but since that already happened, is there anything I could have done to defuse the situation after?

I can’t very well tell someone that I’m sorry my dog is so smart, but perhaps I could have made a joke along the lines of, “Oh, your dog must have explained it to her,” or simply said I was sorry without specifying why.

This situation probably arises for parents of highly gifted children, too. What, if anything, should I have done?

Gentle reader: This course delivered more than was promised: The other dog learned both to close the cabinet and to teach it to his fellow canines.

At least that is what Miss Manners would approve your graciously asserting to ease embarrassment all around. Then Regina’s owner will also have learned a new trick.

Dear Miss Manners: Is there a polite way to ask someone their name if you forgot it? I have found myself in this awkward situation numerous times and never know what to say.

Gentle reader: “I am so sorry — I know that we have met before, but please tell me your name again. I’m Jacinda Wilsome.”

Miss Manners assures you, however, that you can only get away with this tactic once before you start to test the person’s patience — and powers of forgiveness.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to miss manners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.