Here’s how Illinois can outdo Ohio on vaccine incentives

As the staggeringly effective COVID-19 vaccines allow life to open up across America, some states are offering incentives to inspire people to get the jab.

Maine’s governor said the state will give out a free fishing or hunting license, or an L.L.Bean gift card, to people who get their first dose. New Jersey has offered a free beer from participating breweries to any vaccinated resident over 21.

The most impressive lure comes from Ohio. The state is giving vaccinated adults the chance to enter a lottery and win a $1 million prize. There will be five winners. For vaccinated teens, the state is offering five full-ride scholarships — including tuition, books, room and board — to Ohio public universities.

Sadly, here in Illinois, we’re a bit cash-strapped. I don’t see Gov. J.B. Pritzker offering $1 million vaccination prizes, unless he sells off one of his mansions (plural) and ponies the money up himself.

So, what can Illinois do to keep up with the glitzy and glamorous people of … hang on, let me check my notes … yep, this is right …Ohio?

I have some ideas.

While things are going reasonably well on the vaccination front here in Illinois — as of Thursday, 62% of adults in the state had received at least one vaccine dose — we need to keep encouraging people to protect themselves and everyone else by getting their shots. Restrictions are being lifted across Chicago and statewide, but the more vaccinated people, the better off we’ll all be.

On Thursday, the governor’s office said Six Flags Great America is offering 50,000 free tickets to its theme parks in Gurnee and Rockford to newly vaccinated residents. As a parent who has been to Six Flags, I’m not entirely sure that’s an incentive, but I suppose it’s better than nothing.

As a public health service, I have some additional, reasonably affordable incentives Pritzker or Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot can offer Illinoisans to join the “Fully Vaxxed” club.

1) A chance to have the last word on ketchup. While many Chicagoans sneer at those who put ketchup on a hot dog — as if it’s possible to befoul whatever random meat parts are already in the dog — there are people who can’t abide a ketchup-free frank. To end this nasty debate, all vaccinated Illinoisans would be entered into a lottery, with the winner having the absolute final say on whether ketchup is an appropriate hot dog topping. It’s a chance to become a legend.

2) Pick the next imprisoned politician! Using a lottery system, five vaccinated adults or teenagers would have the honor of deciding the next five Illinois or Chicago politicians to go to prison. Given the state’s robust lawmaker-to-inmate pipeline, there’s little chance any winner would make an incorrect choice. And they would save taxpayers a huge amount in prosecutorial expenses by simply tapping a state or city politician on the shoulder and saying, “Your number’s up, bub. Enjoy the slammer.”

3) How would you like (most of a) state named after you? It’s no secret that Illinois, the state, and Chicago, the city, are seen as two different entities. So, to incentivize people to get vaccinated, we could let the winner of another lottery become the namesake for the part of Illinois that is not Chicago. For example, if your name is Sandra Globton and you win the lottery, the non-Chicago portion of Illinois would be renamed “Globtona.” A Ralph Twerpington winner would rename the large swath of former-Illinois “Twerpingtonia.” And so on. Low cost, and a real boon to the cartography industry.

4) A get-out-of-red-light-camera-ticket pass. Just as it sounds, this incentive would allow anyone a free pass on a red-light-camera ticket. These vouchers would be given out to 26 million vaccinated residents. Granted, that’s roughly twice the population of Illinois, but I think we can all agree that having a couple of those vouchers would be well worth any injection.

5) A chance to become the Chicago Bears franchise quarterback! Yes, the Bears just drafted Ohio State quarterback Justin Fields, who’s expected to become a star. But the Bears tend to do to quarterbacks what conspiracy theories do to common sense. So it seems a reasonable vaccination reward would be an opportunity to enter the Bears quarterback competition and see if you have what it takes to not be repeatedly injured or routinely throw the ball to the opposing team at important moments in the game.

6) 50,000 free passes to NOT go to Six Flags Great America. For many, this would be the greatest incentive imaginable.

7) Throw a pie at America’s most-beloved newspaper columnist. A select few Illinois vaccine recipients, chosen by secret ballot, would be granted the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to throw a pie in the face of America’s most-beloved newspaper columnist: me! The only caveat to this incentive — which, if we’re being honest, blows Ohio’s $1 million prize offer out of the water — is that in order to throw the pie, you must acknowledge that I’m America’s most-beloved newspaper columnist. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. (CLARIFICATION: I may have made the rules.)

Keep getting those vaccines, folks. Better days are ahead.