Do the right thing, even though neighbor is wrong

Dear Miss Manners: A dog chased my 6-year-old son in our new neighborhood, and when my husband went over to talk to the dog’s owner, we were assured it wouldn’t happen again. Then the dog chased my son again — and bit him — the next week.

After I reported the bite (on the advice of my child’s pediatrician), animal control came out to take reports and quarantine the dog, as per their protocol. Then the dog’s owner came over to chew me out for reporting the bite, rather than to apologize and ask about my son’s well-being.

A week or two later, I told the dog’s owner how scared my kids are to go by their house — not because of the dog, but because of the “mean scary lady.” A few days after that, while we were out for the day, she left a present for my son, and a couple of notes about how bad she feels. We were all set to make up, until the next day, when my son rode by her house and she called out to him, “Say thank you.”

I am so angry again. She is a grandma, and I feel she should know better. I don’t want my kids anywhere near her — ever. Do we owe her a thank-you note?

Gentle reader: To whom do you hope to teach manners — your neighbor or your son?

The neighbor sounds like a poor prospect, so Miss Manners suggests directing the instruction to your son. The lesson here would be: “We behave well, even when other people don’t.”

This does not mean you have to be silent victims. You rightly reported the dog bite. By calling her a “scary lady,” rather than some epithets that probably sprang to mind, you were only reporting your son’s reaction. All within the bounds of politeness — and your point was made, resulting in an apology and a present.

Then, having finally done the right thing, your neighbor craved acknowledgment. Presents do require thanks. Surely you do not want to teach your son that he need not do the right thing if others do not.

Dear Miss Manners: Iama young professional woman who uses a dating app to meet potential suitors. It seems that the traditional rules of correspondence have gotten somewhat muddled.

The app requires both parties to “match” with each other before they can begin conversing. However, I find that many of the men with whom I match are taciturn when it comes to actually exchanging messages.

I generally start these conversations with a question about some interest they express in their profile, but their responses are often terse and not accompanied by a similar question for me. I do not want a conversation with a potential mate to feel like pulling teeth, so I have a habit of “unmatching” these men.

What is the appropriate amount of time I should wait, or number of one-sided questions I should answer, before unmatching them? Or is it rude to do at all?

Gentle reader: The usual rules of socialization apply here; it is just the technology that is different.

If you did not have a successful date with someone, you would not make another. But you also would not call them to tell them to stop contacting you. After a conversation’s worth of tersely answered questions, Miss Manners recommends that you simply stop pursuing the relationship. If the gentleman wants to know why, he can follow up with an interesting question himself.

Dear Miss Manners: I work in a pretty large building, where we are all working toward the same goal. We pass each other in the halls many times a day. Is it rude to NOT say hello (or a similar greeting) every time we see each other? I’m thinking the first time we encounter one another should be sufficient. What say you?

Gentle reader: Ordinarily, a smile would be enough for subsequent encounters. But as Miss Manners presumes you are wearing a mask, a quick hand wave should do it.

Dear Miss Manners: Is it acceptable to post a death notice of one’s spouse online?

Gentle reader: An obituary is more formal — with personal phone calls made by you, or friends and family, to people who are close. Miss Manners acknowledges that this is less efficient than social media posts, but she maintains that it is also more dignified.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.