Lolla! Navy Pier! Yes! (And can we still remain 6 feet apart?)
Lollapalooza is back! Navy Pier is back! After more than a year of COVID-19 restrictions and widespread sheltering in place, Chicagoans can now look forward to gathering in large numbers alongside sweat-soaked friends and tourists and occasionally getting their feet stepped on by irritable and rambunctious children and inhaling the smell of someone else’s sunscreen and body odor and …
OK, so I guess I have one small question: Can we maintain the social distancing part of the pandemic rules?
I mean, when you think about it, staying 6 feet apart from each other isn’t the worst idea.
Don’t get me wrong, when I heard the news about a full reopening of Navy Pier, I could almost taste the overpriced cinnamon-roasted nuts and feel the magnetic pull of a stand that sells friendship bracelets. It is, by far, my favorite Chicago neighborhood that is also a pier. Where else can you get an authentic Chicago McDonald’s cheeseburger, build your own teddy bear and then ride a fast boat that barks like a dog, all for the obscenely low price of $789?
And don’t think I’m not pumped about Lollapalooza returning to Grant Park. There are few things better than joining 100,000 other humans in late July to dance outdoors to artists like the Foo Fighters, Megan Thee Stallion, Journey, Tyler the Creator and … uhhhh … let’s say Fork Army, Spit Farm and Daz Luster and the Lugubrious Shinbots?
So fun!
But having grown accustomed to people maintaining a certain distance from each other, I can’t help but think that, regardless of vaccinations, we might consider sticking with that bit of pandemic policy. Just a simple, permanent social-distancing rule that applies to everywhere.
It would be a nice way of saying, “Hey, it’s SO awesome we’re all back here at Navy Pier having fun and drinking our $17 beer, but there’s really no reason for your Hawaiian Tropic-covered body to be quite so close to mine. Back off.”
I want to be clear that this in no way suggests I hate being around other people. I love people. I just don’t want to be near them in any way, and by “near” I mean anywhere closer than 6 feet.
We can call it the “Comfort Radius.” Or the “Circle of Tolerance.”
Here’s a hypothetical Navy Pier scenario:
Me: “Excuse me, sir, I’m glad you, too, are waiting in line for ice cream served in a churro bowl for only $34, but I notice your crying child has entered my Comfort Radius.”
Tourist: “Oh, my goodness, I am so sorry. CHARLIE, GET OUT OF THAT NICE MAN’S COMFORT RADIUS!”
Charlie: “WHY, DADDY?!? WHAAAAAAAA!!”
Tourist: “Because those are the rules, Charlie, and we must respect them or this nice man will be legally allowed to punch me in the nose.”
Me (smiling ): “Hah-hah-hah! Thank you for removing your child from my Comfort Radius. No nose-punching will be necessary today!”
That’s not difficult, is it? Just imagine how much easier Lollapalooza would be if everyone was spread out like individual atoms repelling each other to a distance of about 6 feet. Granted, the mosh pit would involve a lot more leaping into the air and then falling face-first into the mud, but the spirit would be just the same!
And if you had to go to the bathroom, which I would, approximately 14 times, you could easily weave between people along the perimeters of their Circles of Tolerance.
That would transform a sweaty meat-pressing experience into something more like this:
Youth: “Hey brah, you want a hit of what I’m smoking?”
Me: “COULD YOU REPEAT THAT, THE MUSIC IS VERY LOUD!”
Youth: “TRY A PUFF OF THIS, MAN!” Me: “I WOULD BUT I CAN’T REACH IT WITHOUT EXITING MY COMFORT RADIUS! BESIDES, I’M TRYING TO GET TO THE STAGE WHERE JOURNEY IS PLAYING AND I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM!!”
If for some reason we can’t all agree on the clear fact that social distancing is a policy that should be permanently adopted, I have a fallback idea that will work for me and others who have undergone mild hermitization during the past year’s quarantine.
I call it “The Humanity Spacer™.” It’s a 12-foot-diameter inner tube you wear around your waist, allowing you to maintain a safe, human-free, 6-foot distance in all directions.
As I’m sure The Humanity Spacer™ will be immensely popular, no one will feel self-conscious walking along Navy Pier or dancing at Lollapalooza with a large inflatable ring around their torso. It’s an elegant solution to a problem all of us will soon face as coronavirus restrictions end.
So let’s get out there and enjoy summer while not coming too close to any of our fellow human beings, because, let’s be honest, ewwww.
Look for me at Lollapalooza. I’ll be the guy in the giant inner tube belting out the new lyrics to Journey’s classic hit “Faithfully”:
“So now I come to you/ With open arms/Not one step more/ Stay 6 feet awaaaaaaay.”