Ending phone calls with chatty relative proving to be difficult
Dear Miss Manners: I have a relative who lives alone and who calls me every week to chat. This would be fine, except the calls are always over an hour long, and the person only talks about their own interests and doesn’t really let me get a word in.
I find an hour is a long time to just sit and listen, but any polite attempts I make to end the call are ignored. I’ve tried, “I should get to bed, as I have work in the morning,” “I think I’ll head out for a walk while it’s still light out,” and “I have dinner reservations at 7:30,” among others. But the relative either ignores me or launches into “one last story” that goes on for 30 minutes.
I don’t think they mean any harm, and I don’t know how to tell them how I feel without hurting their feelings. I’ve started to avoid answering their calls because I dread how long they go on. What should I do?
Gentle reader: Your relative has, perhaps unintentionally, stumbled on a technique well known to telemarketers: If they keep talking, a polite person will be reluctant to interrupt or to hang up. This is the right impulse, as one rudeness cannot justify another. But that does not mean you must be a helpless victim.
No one can actually speak without taking a breath — and when they do, dive in with a short, complete sentence such as, “Thank you, goodbye” and hang up before the person can restart. This requires careful timing and is not comfortable, as it means not waiting for the normal full stop from the other person or leaving a breath before hanging up.
With your well-meaning relative, you will still have to preface it with multiple gentler attempts to end the conversation. For telemarketers, it was enough, in the ancient days of landlines, that they not hear the receiver impacting the telephone base.
My husband and I jointly owned and worked in a business for over 25 years, and last year, we sold the business and retired. Now when we bump into friends and acquaintances, they ask about his retirement: what is he doing with his time, etc.
They don’t even look at me, much less ask the same questions. Usually hubby will say things like, “Ella is volunteering at the animal shelter and has new hobbies” in an effort to include me. They usually nod and continue asking him questions.
I want to wave my hand and ask if I’m invisible! These are people who know full well that the business was ours, not just his. Is there anything I can say to include myself without sounding petty?
Dear Miss Manners:
Gentle reader: “I suppose you are wondering what I’ve been doing in my retirement.” Miss Manners hardly supposes that anyone would be rude enough to reply, “No, actually I’m not.”
I attended my daughter’s grade school program, an annual event that was completely reimagined in light of the COVIDera restrictions. I could tell that her teachers put in tremendous hours of preparation in order to make it a success.
Dear Miss Manners:
After the program, I sent an email to her teachers expressing my gratitude and complimenting them on a job well done. I copied the principal and the headmaster of the school.
I did not receive an email in return. When someone takes the time to send you an email of praise and thanks, is it necessary to respond?
Gentle reader: Ordinarily, thank-you letters do not require a response for the practical reason that even Miss Manners cannot spend all day writing thank-you letters for thank-you letters for thank-you letters.
She does, however, agree that it feels wrong not to have your spontaneous, unexpected — and non-mandatory — gratitude acknowledged.
Note that this advice is only of practical use when you, yourself, are the recipient of such a letter. Being mad at the overworked teacher who did such a lovely job on your daughter’s program is unproductive.
Dear Miss Manners: I am having a birthday party, and my sister-in-law wants to bring her friend whose birthday is the same night as mine. Is it rude of me to say no?
Gentle reader: No, but Miss Manners recommends doing so on the basis of acquaintance (specifically, lack thereof ) rather than competition. And once you explain that you are inviting only your friends, you had better do so.
To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.