Classmates’ presumptuous gift embarrasses recipient

Dear Miss Manners: I am a 22-year-old college student. To avoid having student loans, I work hard and don’t have a lot of funds left over after paying for tuition. Thus, my wardrobe is not exactly high-end. My clothes are always clean and neat, but admittedly my winter coat is showing a lot of wear and tear.

At the beginning of a recent class, my professor told the class (of 12 students) that before we began, someone had a special announcement. Another student pulled out a gift bag and presented me with a new coat that the entire class had pitched in to buy for me.

She gave a little speech about how some are less fortunate than others, and those who are in a better position want to be a blessing. Several students and my professor were videoing the whole thing on their phones.

After turning crimson from embarrassment, I said “thank you,” then welled up with tears. I think they thought I was crying because I was so touched, but actually I was humiliated. I had never felt so ashamed in my whole life.

They were all so happy and cheering. I just wanted to run out of the classroom, but I stayed until the end of the session, then made a quick exit.

I heard that several classmates posted the video on social media.

How should I respond to this? How do I thank them when I am not at all thankful for their embarrassing me? And do I have to wear this coat to class now? They, of course, will notice if I don’t. It is a nice coat, but I’m embarrassed.

Gentle reader: We have to suppose that they meant well, but this is what Miss Manners would call selfish charity.

The coarsening of society, where solvent people are shameless about asking for money — as presents or outright funding — has made them insensitive to feelings of self-respect and pride. They cannot imagine that anyone wouldn’t be thrilled to get something for free.

So you must explain. This is, in fact, a class, so teaching a lesson is warranted.

They will be expecting a torrent of gratitude, so you must begin by acknowledging their good intentions. Then ask them to please take down the video because it embarrasses you.

Then you must counter assumptions that you are being modest and explain how you really feel. Miss Manners suggests something like this:

“I believe in charity, and I recognize your charitable motive. Thank you for worrying about me, but I am not a charity case. I am not as well-off or as welldressed as the rest of you, but I have my pride. I hope you will understand why I cannot accept this.”

Then you could add, “I will be donating this coat to a homeless shelter, and I will do so anonymously, so as not to embarrass anyone.” Or, if you want to keep the coat: “I will be putting aside money until I am able to pay your kindness forward by donating the amount to the truly needy.”

Dear Miss Manners: I have been going to the same hairdresser for years and asked her to cut my hair before my son’s wedding.

She did a terrible job. One side was an inch shorter than the other.

She was on pain medication, so I tried to be understanding.

It cost me a ton to find someone who would even attempt to repair it, and I came out looking like I was being recruited for a cult. Things are still uneven, just not as much.

My longtime hairdresser lives across the street. If I go out my door, I see her. I want to find someone else. What do I say?

Gentle reader: In response to what? No one has said anything. If she says “hello,” say “hello” back with your warmest smile. If she asks if you need a haircut, thank her and respond that you do not. If she asks where you are going for haircuts these days, tell her.

Your embarrassment in being disloyal to a professional who does her job badly is inexplicable to Miss Manners. But she is confident it will diminish if the hairdresser pushes for further explanation. You may then decide whether to wade into an explanation that you were unhappy with the service, or keep repeating that you have found someone else.

Dear Miss Manners: When your child gets a divorce, when should you put the wedding pictures and other family photos away?

Gentle reader: When your child gets a divorce.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.