Get out of dodge before abusive mother-in-law visits

Dear Miss Manners: My mother-in-law is a bully. For many years, I tried everything to make this relationship work. I attempted to ingratiate myself, politely stood up to her, and let the tears fall as she insulted me. According to her, it is not her fault that I am too stupid to do anything right and am so ridiculously hypersensitive — two of many things she cannot stand about me.

I try to manage the situation by encouraging my husband to visit her alone, and to call her with reasonable frequency. Our adult kids refuse to see her because of the way she treats me, which is not my wish, nor do I want to be the cause of a rift between my husband and his mother.

However, her tongue is getting sharper with age, and I am becoming more resentful — both of the way she treats me, and the fact that my husband ignores the outrageous behavior and demands that I do the same. He says she will never change, there is no point to confronting her, and I should just be grateful she does not live next door. I feel his silence gives her permission to be unkind, and tells me that I don’t matter to him at all.

I am dreading an upcoming visit, and am not sure I can handle myself in a way that I would not later be ashamed of. Under the circumstances, would it ever be OK to just walk out and not return until her visit is over?

Gentle reader: The dictate to “turn the other cheek” is catchy, which may explain the popular misconception that it is a rule of etiquette as well as of religion. It is not. If your husband is unable, or unwilling, to modify his mother’s unacceptable behavior, then it is time to absent yourself when she is present. Walking out in a huff would be rude, which is why you will be discovering unavoidable conflicts, for which you will apologize on your way out the door.

Dear Miss Manners: I live in a condo, and the upstairs tenants have three children. I understand that kids generate a lot of laundry, but on some occasions, they run their washing machine late at night and it interrupts my sleep.

I was going to write a note asking that they please refrain from using their washer after 10 p.m. because it is noisy and prevents me from sleeping. Is there a better way to say this?

Gentle reader: With three children living above you, Miss Manners considers you lucky that only the late-night laundry is costing you sleep.

You might point that out in your note, thereby making it all the more gracious: “You and your children are so thoughtful and light-footed that it pains me to ask you, but would it be possible to run the washing machine during earlier, waking hours?” Then quietly rest up for the children’s adolescence.

Dear Miss Manners: I have been using a small family company to clean my home for the last year or so. It is owned by a lovely couple, but they often bring a third cleaner, who may vary each visit.

Today I was organizing my jewelry box, and found that five pairs of earrings are missing. All are very special to me: gifts for graduations, milestone birthdays and my first holiday with my husband. They were stored in small boxes, and now the boxes are all empty.

I don’t have proof, and don’t want to accuse anyone unfairly. But I am devastated and don’t know what to do. Should I talk to the company owners, and what should I say?

Gentle reader: Asking for help is far easier — and will be more effective — than making accusations. Tell the owners that you are horrified, but you believe you have been robbed and ask if they, or their employees, noticed anything suspicious.

There is no need to finger one of their employees as your primary suspect; they will be wondering the same thing. But by naming the crime, you make clear that you are not just asking if they have seen something you yourself misplaced.

Miss Manners warns you against undue optimism. Your conversation is unlikely to end either with the couple telling you that they found everything or that they fired an employee they caught with another customer’s television and will be bringing your earrings over tomorrow.

It may end with them saying that they had another customer report items missing, which will provide you with information you can, if the issue cannot be solved more gently, take to the police.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.