A note of thanks to the unvaccinated, from a very happy coronavirus

The following missive was transmitted to me via airborne droplets. It claims to be from “a very happy coronavirus.” I have verified its authenticity via a polymerase chain reaction assay or, in this case, essay.

Hi there, human hosts! It’s me, a coronavirus, here to thank all the unvaccinated folks in America for making my life a little easier.

You guys are the best! Sorry if I kill you. It’s really nothing personal, you know? Just doin’ my thing! Viruses, amirite?!?

Anyhoo, before I get too far, a little more about me. I’m the B.1.1.7 variant of SARS-CoV-2, also known as the alpha variant. We alphas are kind of the O.G.’s of coronavirus variants in the United States, first showing up back in December 2020.

Since I got here, some of my buddies mutated into beta and gamma variants, and now we’re joined by the delta variant, which is getting a lot of press because, frankly, IT’S AWESOME. (For us, I mean, not so much for you guys. Infectious as the dickens!)

The delta variant will soon be the dominant strain in the United States, according to your Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, an organization we viruses consider a hate group. And you know why that variant is dominant? Because many of you Americans, thankfully, are refusing to get vaccinated.

You human types have been wiping viruses like us out for hundreds of years using vaccines (ugh, I shudder even typing that word). So imagine our amazement when a vaccine against us was developed super fast and people started saying, “No, thanks, I won’t be having that.”

HALLELUJAH! It’s mutation:30 somewhere!

Seriously, though, we in the coronavirus community cannot fully express our gratitude. Every time one of us infects a new person, we deliver a short, Oscar-esque speech like this: “First I’d like to thank my SARSCoV-2 lineage for making me the submicroscopic infectious agent I am today. But most of all, I’d like to thank this host right here for refusing a safe, readily available and wildly effective vaccine that would’ve ended me. It’s because of you, ya big lug, that I am here today, latching my spiky surface proteins to receptors on your healthy cells. Next stop is the ER, baby! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!”

You might be asking yourself, “Why is the virus so excited about this? The pandemic is pretty much over, right?”

HAH! Keep tellin’ yourself that!

I had the human I delivered this note to call a researcher at Georgetown University to help clear some of this confusion up.

Shweta Bansal is an associate professor of biology at Georgetown and heads the university’s U.S. COVID-19 Vaccination Tracking Project. Her team recently identified five clusters of (deliciously) unvaccinated people in Southern states stretching from Georgia to Texas.

In those areas, and in other pockets of the country, the vaccinations rates are considerably lower than the national average.

“The more geographically clustered unvaccinated individuals are, the higher the chance an unvaccinated person will interact with an unvaccinated person, which creates an event with a high chance of transmission,” Bansal said.

And each time there’s a transmission, guess what? (I love this part!)

“With every transmission event, we increase our chance of a new, yet unknown SARS-CoV-2 variant developing,” Bansal said. “And that new one could be one against which our current vaccines aren’t effective.”

SQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!

Sorry, I can barely contain myself. Go on, professor.

“We’ve gotten lucky so far,” she said. “The current vaccines we have are very effective against those strains, but we might not be that lucky next time. And if that happens, it would be like setting the clocks back to December 2020.”

Ugh. That’s when people here first started getting the vaccine. A horrible day for me and my fellow viruses.

Oh, but those areas with low vaccinations rates. I imagine the good professor knows exactly how those look to me and my delta variant pals.

“It’s a field day,” she said. “What’s happening in tandem with these locations being under-vaccinated is that people are severely changing their behavior. They’re not only returning to their social activities, but there’s also this sense of making up for lost times. That’s great news for the virus.”

It sure is!

And to help us, we have a slew of Republican politicians and an entire television news network actively discouraging people from getting the vaccine. On Wednesday, the right-wing student group Turning Point USA sent out a tweet that read: “Government Has NO RIGHT To Force You To Inject Yourself With An Experimental Vaccine! #BigGovSucks #COVID19”

It’s as if we viruses won the lottery.

CDC radicals like Director Rochelle Walensky are telling Americans that 99.5% of people who died from COVID-19 in the United States recently were unvaccinated.

“Those deaths were preventable with a simple, safe shot,” she said.

BOOOOOOOO!! Don’t listen to the CDC. Listen to the loud humans on Fox News telling you the vaccine will turn you into a duck, or whatever.

Oh, let me tell you, we SARSCoV-2s are gonna mutate so much you’ll need 15 Greek alphabets to keep track of us.

Speaking on behalf of humans, Prof. Bansal said: “The optimistic side is that it’s in our hands. For once in the history of mankind and pandemics, we have all the tools at our disposal to not be in this situation. We not only have masks and social distancing, but we have a vaccine that is ridiculously effective.”

Ah, c’mon. Who wants to use “tools.” Sounds hard.

Trust me, humans. If you keep helping me and my friends by not getting vaccinated, we’re all going to get real close.

Real, real close.

So close it’ll make you sick!