Diagnosis of friend’s truth is neither friendly nor gracious
Dear Miss Manners: Iam a flight attendant with a major airline. However, one of my lifelong dreams is to finish school and become a registered nurse. When the pandemic began, I had the opportunity to take a leave of absence, and I applied to a nursing program to get my degree.
For about the past four years, I’ve been friends with a co-worker who always claimed she’d been a practicing, licensed RN before she decided to fly. She would tell me stories about her job as an RN and would, on occasion, give me medical advice (for me, and for my family).
Upon getting ready to start nursing school, I stumbled across my state’s Department of Health website with the names of everyone who has a current or inactive state license in many fields. Everyone from cosmetologists and tattoo artists to RNs and MDs can be found. Out of curiosity, I entered my co-worker’s name and discovered she is not, and has never been, an RN. She was instead an X-ray technician!
I decided to bring it up with her. I kindly explained that I wasn’t angry, just mostly confused and hurt as to why she would do this. I had hoped she would come clean and we could’ve gotten past it, but she didn’t. First, she continued with her fantastical story and insisted she was indeed an inactive RN. And when she realized I was no longer buying into it, she became furious with me. She deflected and started making strange accusations that somehow I had “exploited” her, saying that “real friends don’t do what you did!”
As a result, we are no longer friends. A part of me feels relieved that I learned about her deception. But another part of me feels bad that I may have worsened some deep insecurities she might be dealing with. Should I apologize? Should I just go on with my life? What should I do?
Gentle reader: Your expectation that your friend, when called (no matter how kindly) a liar, would come clean was unrealistic. She was offended, as Miss Manners could have told you she would be. This would have been so even if, as you believe, her untruth was clear and indefensible. And can we be so sure that was the case?
Even if government records were always accurate, there could be any number of circumstances of which you are not aware. Your friend could have registered in another state, for example. In other words, she may not have been Lying in a capital-letter sense — or even in any sense.
It was neither friendly nor gracious to be absolutely confident in your own diagnosis. It also served no obvious purpose. (Miss Manners discounts “revealing the truth” if only because your approach did not do that: Your friend’s angry response is not a confirmation of guilt.)
Apologize. Your penance will be having to listen to your friend’s explanation, even if it unintentionally seems to confirm her guilt.
Dear Miss Manners: For my 16th birthday, my grandmother had a very large amethyst made into a custom ring for me. She was not a typical “sweet” grandmother, and this was the only birthday gift I received from her after entering high school. I adored that ring and wore it nearly every day.
A few years later, it went missing. I looked everywhere, but it was gone. More time passed, and I visited my cousin for her wedding. She was wearing my ring on her finger! I have discovered that my grandmother stole it from my jewelry box a few years after she gave it to me, and then gifted it to my cousin.
I have been devastated about this for many years, and will be seeing my cousin soon. I would like to address this and have my ring returned to me, but not embarrass myself, my cousin or our mothers. How should I handle this?
Gentle reader: Carefully. You would be accusing your grandmother of theft — and the rest of your family of aiding and abetting her. In addition, you would be taking something from your cousin that she no doubt values as much as you did — and to whose nefarious circumstances she was previously oblivious.
Miss Manners suggests that instead you approach the conversation with low expectations of getting the ring returned as you tell your cousin this “funny story” about Nana. If she knows your grandmother as well as you do, she will believe it is possible — especially if you do not immediately ask her to hand over the ring in question afterwards.
To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.