Teacher-turned-colleague has become creepy, unprofessional

Dear Miss Manners: I’ve been studying with a teacher, a married man, to learn about intuition and other skills for a few years. My late husband and I took an extended course from this man, and we are now working together on an online training program. He and I are close, but not romantically.

The problem is that things have been uncomfortable for several months now. He once gave me a goodbye kiss on the neck, which startled me; all I could say was how much I love him and his wife AS A COUPLE.

I assist with his online teaching and reviews, and he has been putting me on the spot in uncomfortable ways. I finally called him on it, and he told me he had been “pushing my buttons” on purpose and “testing me.”

I was horrified, and his comments set off a cascade of memories seen in a new and ugly light. I recalled that he had acted similarly in a class with my husband present too. Maybe that shocking kiss was a “test.” Maybe any little thing he’s ever said was a manipulation. He speaks of simplicity, truth and love; he puts out duplicity, falsehood and manipulation. I no longer trust him.

I want to keep the friendship, even so. How can I unwind all this? Please help me find a polite and clear strategy.

If this person taught you intuition, then you should certainly be equipped to properly invoke yours.

Miss Manners’ own

Gentle reader:

intuition is screaming alarms that he is either terrible at what he does or — much more likely — using his so-called teachings as an excuse for bad behavior.

Why you should want to maintain a friendship with someone proven to be duplicitous, false and manipulative — not to mention a sexual harasser — she cannot imagine. If you feel you need to maintain the professional association, at least remember that you are no longer his student; this is a business relationship now, and as such, you should not be subjected to childish and manipulative tactics.

“If we are to continue to work together, then we must be able to trust each other,” you might say. “I do not wish to be put through any wayward maneuvering, and I am certainly not interested in a romantic relationship with you.”

Dear Miss Manners: About a year ago, we received a “save the date” from a couple identified only as “Max and Jenny,” with their photo and the date of their planned wedding. Neither my wife nor I recognized the names or the photograph.

We put the date on our calendar, expecting to hear more later. Now we have received another notification, postponing the date for another year, presumably because of COVID19. This card also had only their first names and photos, and we still did not recognize them.

It did have a return address, which we did not recognize, either. Should we contact the couple via mail to ask who they are? We are wondering for whom we should be saving this date.

Gentle reader: No doubt these are the children of work acquaintances, or of high school friends. Miss Manners can only suggest that you look up the address for more clues (or at least a last name), decline the invitation or resign yourselves to blindly attending a mystery event.

Wedding couples should take the note: If you are going to expand your guest list to people with whom you are not in regular contact, at least provide some helpful and telling leads.

Dear Miss Manners: I was invited to a beach picnic, just me and the host. Looking forward to good food, I arrived hungry.

As I was eating, I noticed my host was not. She said she was stressed and had little appetite. Unsure what to do, I stopped eating and we just chatted. Would it have been OK to continue eating?

Gentle reader: Etiquette has rules — do not start eating until your host has started, for example — but it also has gray areas, including the one you mention. Modifying that rule to allow consumption only while your host is eating, while perhaps fun for children enamored of “Simon Says,” would not be practical.

But Miss Manners agrees that there is something unseemly about filling up while your host is exhibiting signs of distress. The solution is to eat slowly — as if your whole attention were focused on the important conversation. If you happen to munch while listening, no one can have cause to complain.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.