How to become UN-WOKE so you can be an Olympic #winner like Trump!
Bad news, folks. I’ve been diagnosed with wokeism, which apparently makes me “a wokester” and guarantees everything I do will go horribly wrong.
I don’t quite know what it means to be a wokester, but I know it’s bad and serious because a former United States president released a statement about wokesters on Thursday, and I can’t imagine a former president would opine on something unimportant.
In the statement, the twice-impeached former one-term president who also incited a violent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol in an attempt to overturn an election he lost slammed the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team’s performance at the Tokyo Olympics. Unlike the former president, the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team won something: a bronze medal.
Here’s what the former president wrote, verbatim: “If our soccer team, headed by a radical group of Leftist Maniacs, wasn’t woke, they would have won the Gold medal instead of the Bronze. Woke means you lose, everything that is woke goes bad, and our soccer team certainly has. There were, however, a few Patriots standing. Unfortunately, they need more than that respecting our Country and National Anthem. They should replace the wokesters with Patriots and start winning again. The woman with the purple hair played terribly and spends too much time thinking about Radical Left politics and not doing her job!”
This message from a man who lost the popular vote twice, lost his reelection bid, oversaw the Republican Party’s loss of both the U.S. House and Senate, and would struggle to walk from one end of a soccer field to the other resonated with me and forced me to confront the possible deleterious effects of my own wokeism.
As best I can tell, being woke means being open to the possibility that other people might have feelings and deserve some modicum of respect and consideration. That is, apparently, bad and can cause a person to become a “Leftist Maniac” who makes it to the Olympics and winds up being on the third-best soccer team in the entire world.
Being un-woke, on the other hand, allows you to successfully lose a presidential election to a man you nicknamed “Sleepy” while eroding democracy by never admitting you lost, which then leads to a respected life sitting at a golf resort sending out statements that read like they were written by a petulant middle-schooler hellbent on embarrassing those who taught him grammar.
Cleary, I have chosen the wrong path, winding up a dirty wokester whose columns always go bad because I write terribly and spend too much time thinking about Radical Left politics.
So I want to be de-woked. I want to be cured of my wokeism so I can start winning again by insisting I never lose, calling anyone who disagrees with me mean names and living under the threat of indictment from a wide-ranging criminal tax fraud investigation.
The question is: How do I get my woke removed? Is there a doctor who can perform a woke-ectomy? Or is there a do-it-yourself approach?
Somebody suggested going to church, and I tried that but they just kept talking about this longhaired wokester named Jesus who was always saying, “Love everyone. Be kind. Blessed are the meek. My power is made perfect in weakness.” If anything, that just made me more woke.
So I tried watching 24 straight hours of Fox News, since that network is devoted to vanquishing wokeness, but I got tripped up when I heard host Ben Domenech say: “The irony of the term ‘woke’ is that it is designed to keep you asleep — asleep to the reality of what’s going on around you, sedated from having to do anything to fix a real problem. Woke messaging demands you obey and break faith with your heritage of freedom but it also serves as a religion that demands little more than that obedience.”
My woke little brain thought: “Yeah, but isn’t Trump demanding obedience? And aren’t the people berating wokeness effectively closing their eyes to what’s really going on around them?”
That cause my brain to seize up and, after an hour or so of Sean Hannity talking, I started to Loose muh ABiliTy too from compete soontences and thunk on muh owNnnn.
After recovering, I tried not caring about people who don’t look like me, but that felt gross and wrong, then I tried feeling angry about having to respect the fact that certain words can hurt other people, but that seemed mean and stupid.
It was discouraging. My wokeness, it seems, is intractable. And that likely dooms me to a life in which the most I can hope for is to become the thirdbest in the world at something.
Because everything that is woke goes bad. And winning a bronze medal at the Olympics is bad. And sitting alone at a golf resort rooting against American athletes while everyone around you winds up indicted or ruined is good, and patriotic.
Guess I’ll only ever know what could’ve been. Woe is us who bear the yoke of woke.