Devise presentable wedding look between dolled up, dirty

Dear Miss Manners: I have been requested to serve as witness to my gay BFF’s online wedding, which I gleefully accepted. However, I am slightly stressed out about how I should physically present myself on the videoconference.

I asked the groom if I should bathe, doll myself up and wear proper wedding attire for this event, in accordance with normal societal etiquette. I offered to wear a dress of his choosing, and earrings.

However, the groom strongly insisted that I show up online as my true, everyday self. He specified that I should not bathe nor wear makeup, and should attire myself in my usual dirtied T-shirt and sweatpants.

Although the groom and I think this is appropriate, I do worry that others might feel I am being disrespectful of the wedding. One could reasonably argue that jumping in the shower and perhaps running a comb through my hair should be minimal requirements for a wedding party member. Should societal default wedding attire (and grooming) supersede the groom’s request?

Gentle reader: How do you suppose the bridegroom is going to be able to tell whether you had a shower? Online, you will not be sniffable. Hosts, including at weddings, may set the general level of formality, but not specifics. (You had to ask, didn’t you? And you got an answer.)

But Miss Manners would like to help you get around it. Your instinct, that slovenliness will be perceived as disrespect, is reasonable.

Ask the bridegroom what he is planning to wear, and perhaps you should tactfully check with his betrothed, who may have a different idea. If they declare — believably — that they, too, will be unkempt, you should dress down.

Still, a wedding is not an everyday occasion, although it can be an extremely informal one. Surely you can devise a presentable outfit somewhere between dolling up and being dirty. It is you, not the bridal couple, who get to choose what that will be.

Dear Miss Manners: Ata small grocery shop that also serves microbrew beers on tap, I brought some fresh vegetables to the counter to purchase. I paid by credit card, and when I was presented with the screen to add a tip (a choice of 15%, 20%, etc. or no tip), I added a tip as I would have done at a restaurant.

A similar thing occurred at a different shop that sells both groceries and prepared food. I was offered the tip screen, although my purchase was groceries only. I paid a tip there too. I thought it felt rude not to tip when clearly being asked to do so, and I want to tip when it is correct. The employee is personally right there, showing the tip screen to the customer.

Gentle reader: Which is a wonderfully effective practice. It worked on you.

But as manipulative as this was, one does not, Miss Manners assures you, have to fear being rude to a machine.

She is further of the opinion that tipping should be abolished altogether in favor of better wages. But as the practice still exists, it is necessary to supplement underpaid workers, and reasonable to expect that it generally be utilized for service and delivery only.

To further complicate things, however, she makes an exception for precarious times like this, when workers are risking their health and well-being for ours. In that case, Miss Manners is inclined to be generous. But she still does not like being bullied into that generosity by a machine.

Dear Miss Manners: I have seen the rule that one does not tip the owner of a business. Why is this?

The owner of the salon is doing the exact same service for you as someone renting a booth from them. There is absolutely no logic to not tipping the owner.

My family members and I all work in the service industry, from restaurants to hospitality to salons. Some own their own businesses, and others work for someone. No one understands this belief that the owner of a business should not be tipped.

Where does this antiquated belief come from? Do you they think that small-business owners are rich and don’t need, or deserve, tips?

Gentle reader: It is not Miss Manners’ belief that all business owners are rich, or that any are undeserving. But it is her distinct impression that, even when they do the same work as waiters, bellhops and hairdressers, they do not do so for the same compensation.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.