We must help our beloved billionaires
Zuckerberg loses billions, and Bezos can’t get his super-yacht under a bridge!
Like most Americans, I worry about the struggles our billionaires endure.
Take Mark Zuckerberg, co-founder of Meta, the company previously known as Facebook or “the thing that convinced your mee-maw Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of children in the back of a pizza parlor run by Hunter Biden.”
On Thursday, Meta stock fell 26% on news fewer people are using Facebook, presumably because the global stockpile of brainwashable humans has been depleted.
The stock drop cost Zuckerberg himself nearly $29 billion. Forbes reported — and you may want to sit down for this, as it’s unbelievably sad — the loss knocked Zuckerberg’s net worth down to “$85.9 billion, dropping below the $100 billion mark for the first time since last year.”
The humanity. Can you imagine being a billionaire and having fewer than $100 billion? That’s the sort of thing that gets you kicked off the island where the uber-rich hunt humans for sport, which I read on Facebook is also owned by Hunter Biden.
I barely had time to fret about Zuckerberg’s painful loss before another round of terrible billionaire news hit, this time involving Amazon founder and guy-I-hopeadopts-me Jeff Bezos.
Like many of us, Mr. Bezos has been patiently awaiting the completion of his 417-footlong yacht. It’s being built by a company called Oceanco in the Netherlands.
The modest $500 million yacht is almost ready, but there’s a problem. A landmark steel bridge in Rotterdam called Koningshaven Bridge isn’t high enough for the craft’s three 230-foot-tall masts, and the only way to get the ship to sea is to go under the bridge.
Unbelievable. The bridge has a boat clearance of about 130 feet. How rude is it that the people who built that bridge 95 years ago didn’t anticipate the mast-height needs of future billionaires like Bezos?
What was he supposed to do, not get a boat with masts as high as a fully grown Giant Sequoia? You don’t see Bezos trying to limit the mast heights of poor people’s yachts, do you?
All that these kind billionaires are looking for in this world is a little kindness and understanding and the ability to never pay taxes and possibly clone a servant or three.
Let’s not get radical and think wealth inequality in America has anything to do with the superrich getting richer and everyone else getting not-richer. That’s unfair to the superrich who don’t want you to believe in wealth inequality, and I have a good number of articles I found on Facebook that explain why we should leave rich people alone and not tax them because they’re busy building important space rockets.
BUT IF THEY CAN’T EVEN GET THEIR WATER MANSIONS UNDER HISTORIC BRIDGES OR MAINTAIN A NET WORTH ABOVE $100 BILLION, WHAT’S THE POINT?!?
Bezos, the poor soul, already had problems with his not-compensating-for-anything ship because its sails are too big to allow for a helicopter landing pad. His only choice was to buy a second yacht with a helipad to keep nearby. Relatable, right?
Perhaps to ease his frustrations, Bezos’ company raised the price of Amazon Prime membership Thursday to $139 a year from $119.
I will gladly pay that extra money if it helps him bribe Rotterdam politicians into blowing that historic bridge to smithereens, setting his uber-yacht free on the open seas where it cannot have a positive impact on humanity.
We all have to chip in to make sure the struggles of billionaires are properly addressed.
Here in Illinois, Ken Griffin and Gov. J.B. Pritzker are poised to spend tens of millions of their hard-earned dollars on the upcoming gubernatorial race, with Pritzker running for reelection and Griffin backing a Republican opponent. Is it fair of us to ask these billionaires to shell out all that cash just to convince us they should be in charge?
Of course it isn’t. It’s downright rude, in fact. If we had any sense of decency we would just allow these two fine men to go ahead and let their Praetorian Guard soldiers (I assume each has a Praetorian Guard) fight to decide who gets to run Illinois.
That way they can save money in case one day they need to destroy a historic landmark to accommodate their giant yachts.
Now I can already hear the mewling of softies who think these wealthy people should be doing something “nice” or “helpful” with their money rather than spending it on political crusades or hotel-sized boats or collecting the private information of every person in the world.
The whiners will say: “But according to the hunger relief organization Feeding America, 38 million people in the United States are food insecure. Why are people in one of the wealthiest countries in the world going hungry?”
Well they don’t have to deal with bridges that are too short for their yachts to fit under, do they? I mean, we all have our crosses to bear and whatnot.
Let’s not get radical and think wealth inequality in America has anything to do with the superrich getting richer and everyone else getting not-richer. That’s unfair to the superrich who don’t want you to believe in wealth inequality, and I have a good number of articles I found on Facebook that explain why we should leave rich people alone and not tax them because they’re busy building important space rockets.
I also read some stuff about how Zuckerberg losing $29 billion in a day was Hunter Biden’s fault. Sounds legit.