Let stepkids’ mother know how you feel about combined brunch
Q: My husband has two children, ages 6 and 8 . They live with us every few days. The back and forth is crazy, but they are young, and I know it’s probably not a good idea for them to be away from either parent for very long. The kids usually stay with their mother (for certain celebrations), but this year she asked if we would like to join her and her husband for a holiday brunch. I am a little uncomfortable with it, but I’m afraid I’ll insult her if I say no. Plus, she’s already mentioned something to the kids, and they are excited that we are all going out together. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: We have a few things to discuss here. First, that your bonus kids’ mother has offered to share a holiday with you is a huge step. It means she sees you as part of the village — as in, “it takes a village” to raise kids these days, and that is a huge compliment. If mom is reaching out, you have done something right. Congratulations.
However, it sounds like her gesture may be moving too fast for you. If that’s true, take a look at it. The last thing you want the kids to see is how uncomfortable you are.
Second, that she didn’t wait for a reply to her invitation and just assumed you would want to go. Privately and tactfully, let her know how you feel. If this was the little shove you needed to initiate this sort of get-together, embrace it, but tactfully let mom know your boundaries. Communicate whatever feels right and be open to change as your families learn to trust each other.
Third, in a perfect world, we all know it’s best that the parent figures get on the same page and then present whatever it is to the kids as a united front. However, you don’t really know how the information was passed, so let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. She could have been having a quiet conversation with her husband about the idea and the kids overheard. I can’t tell you how many times that has happened to me. Let that register. Parents control the flow of information, not the kids.