Keeping kids’ secrets a questionable precedent to set
Q: How much am I required to tell my co-parent? My teenage daughter has confided some very private things to me and has asked me not to tell her father. I know she prefers our home and I want to keep it that way. I’m afraid if I say something, she will feel as if I have betrayed her trust, never tell me things again and will then want to live with her father. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: The fact that you would consider keeping something from your co-parent because you want to ensure your daughter prefers you and your home is certainly not putting your child first. Your daughter deserves an honest relationship with both parents, and it’s your job as a parent to support that.
That said, your daughter’s request is quite common. I remember asking my mother not to tell my dad certain things — like having cramps and not feeling comfortable explaining why I was resting. So, from that aspect, there are some things that need not be volunteered. However, from a parenting point of view, it can be a questionable precedent to set.
Here’s why: Even the most loving, caring honest children find a way to get what they want and withhold, confide or shift information that will help to achieve that goal. It’s human.
But you start playing the “Don’t worry, I won’t tell” game with them and they are controlling the flow of information. Children often do not have the emotional sophistication to determine what is necessary to make healthy decisions — and because you’ve set precedent, you’re stuck.
Of course, children have a right to privacy. Some issues are just too sensitive and really need to be volunteered by the child. That is why it is so important for co-parents to support the child’s relationship with the other parent and create an environment where the child feels safe confiding in both of you.