Employee wants to know what happened to promised bonuses

Dear Miss Manners: I have been at my new job nearly two years, and I sincerely enjoy what I do. When I was originally hired, the benefits made my decision to switch jobs much easier. I receive a regular hourly salary and yearly raise, and the other incentive was a quarterly bonus based on commissions.

The first two bonuses came as promised, but the third bonus was never received, even though my numbers were higher than ever. The fourth bonus, again, was not received, though my numbers were still high. Now I’m nearly due for my fifth bonus, and I’m afraid this one will not be honored, either.

The confusing part is that my employer will make remarks like, “Oh, I need to get your bonus to you” or “I keep forgetting your bonus! So now, with what you’re due, it’ll be a really good one.” So he is remembering them, but does not follow through. Then again, he is not in the office daily, and I may only see him once a month.

I don’t know how to kindly ask my employer why he hasn’t given me my last two. Where I’m from, it’s considered rude to question such things, but not only are my numbers consistently high, I really do go above the call of duty.

I’m in a mental pickle: I don’t want to insult my employer, but I also want either my bonuses or a reason why I’m not getting them. But primarily, I want my bonuses.

Gentle reader: Although she does not know where you come from, Miss Manners doubts that, even there, it is considered rude to count your earnings — or insulting to correct a payroll error.

Notice what she just did: By characterizing this as an accounting error, she avoided questioning your boss’s motives, honesty or memory. It’s simply another transaction that the business wants — needs — to get right, making you the good employee. Tell him you really would like to check off this year’s bonuses and ask what you can do to facilitate things.

My daughter asked her best friend of 17 years to be her maid of honor, and she accepted. Shortly after that, there was a rumor that this friend would soon be moving out of state with her sister, 13 hours away.

While my daughter is not upset about the move, she is upset with how her friend handled it. The friend told other people she would be moving, but neglected to tell her “best friend” until a month before the move. Not only that, but she gave her the news via text message after they had just spent a week together on vacation.

My daughter is hurt that she was only worth a text, and told her she needed a break from the friendship. Now they hardly communicate, and the friend never asks my daughter about wedding plans — yet is still planning the bachelorette trip. My daughter isn’t even sure she wants her to stand next to her on the big day, but so far hasn’t had a talk with her.

What are your thoughts? Does she still deserve to hold that title? Also, this friend’s sister and nephew are in the wedding as well, so this could cause my daughter to lose three

Dear Miss Manners:

people.

Gentle reader: Not to mention a 17-year friendship? Considering how upset your daughter is, to the extent of considering throwing away that long friendship, Miss Manners suspects that the maid of honor might know her friend well enough to have been afraid of telling her about the move.

And surely, if she is planning a trip in connection with this wedding, that is demonstration enough of her interest and commitment. It is no small chore to plan such a trip while in the middle of a move.

Miss Manners urges you to help your daughter calm down and put this into perspective. It is no time to throw over an old friendship — or, as might strike her as more serious at the moment, a significant portion of her bridal party.

Dear Miss Manners: I overheard a conversation in which it was stated as fine and customary to listen on the extension when your spouse is speaking with an ex, perhaps about their children. Is this true? I always thought it was rude, unless all parties on a call were aware of all participants involved.

Gentle reader: For yourself, and anyone listening in, Miss Manners says emphatically that it is rude to eavesdrop on other peoples’ telephone calls, no less so if you have your suspicions — or if “an ex” implies the existence of more than the usual number.