Friend takes it upon herself to plan her own birthday gift

Dear Miss Manners: As a gift for a friend whose birthday is coming up, I have offered a complimentary stay at a condo I own in a beautiful, remote area. I could also watch her child during the trip, as our kids are the same age. Alternatively, the gift could be an outing on our boat.

Today, unprompted, she suggested I get her a facial at her preferred provider in town. I was a bit taken aback, and thought perhaps I misheard her.

I could understand if we had been discussing possible gifts at the time, but the suggestion out of nowhere seems presumptuous. Thoughts?

Gentle reader: Yes, it is presumptuous. But we have developed a culture of allowing people to choose their own presents.

Gift registries are so common now that the very idea of deferring to the donors’ ideas is deemed naive.

What if you are given something you don’t particularly want? Worse — what if you therefore missed the opportunity to get other people to buy you what you do want?

Miss Manners finds this attitude toward the expected generosity of others to be unseemly, but it is the premise on which your friend’s suggestion is based.

In all fairness, your offer of the condominium would involve extensive planning on her part. She could have thanked you and said that unfortunately, it was not possible for her to get away to enjoy your kind offer. Then you could have made another suggestion, or even asked her what she might like.

Instead, she took it upon herself to assume your function of deciding what to give her.

Does anyone stop to think how callous and pointless all this makes the entire concept of giving and receiving presents?

Cynics sneer at the adage, “It’s the thought that counts,” thinking it hypocritical, when what really counts is getting stuff for free.

Or better yet, eliminating the danger of disappointment (to the recipient) and the nuisance of thinking (to the giver) entirely by substituting money for objects.

Thoughtfulness is flattering because it means that someone has noticed what you like, and cares to indulge you. When it works, it is a thrill to receive something wonderful that you may not have known you wanted — from someone you realize really understands you.

Granted, that may be rare. Those with good intentions may misjudge or not know the recipient well enough.

Those who have indifferent intentions find it easier to pay what they seem to owe.

That is why we allow a system of hinting and checking with third parties. But if people are going to outright choose their own presents, they might as well do their own shopping with the time and money they might have spent meeting the demands of others.

Dear Miss Manners: The evening news is so often about deaths and murders. I find it very offensive when, for “the story,” a local reporter shoves their microphone in the face of someone whose relative just died. They’ll do this to anyone who will talk, even young children.

This tactic is immoral, bordering on abusive. The people being interviewed are in a state of shock and don’t have the wherewithal to stop the reporters.

What can be done to make them cease and desist? Should it be reported to the authorities? It is heartless.

Gentle reader: As a journalist, Miss Manners could be expected to side with the reporters. She cannot understand the naivete of those who believe that the world would be a better place if bad news were simply not reported.

But she thoroughly agrees with you. She has never yet seen anything newsworthy, let alone helpful for society, come from the pitiful spectacle of making the newly bereaved grieve in public.

Murderers do not come forward to confess because they are moved by the damage they have done. Would-be murderers are not deterred by the possibility of collateral damage to a victim’s relatives.

Yes, the families do often become eloquent advocates for justice, channeling their grief into activism, hoping to prevent others from suffering as they do. And that is admirable.

But it should be their choice. And the moment in which their lives have been shattered is not the time to ask them to make it.

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners. com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.