Try creating some ground rules for adult children living at home

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I are both going to be 68 this year, and we live on a fixed income that barely covers expenses. We were lucky enough to inherit our home, which had been paid for in full beforehand. Still, with taxes, home upkeep, utilities, food, transportation costs, pet expenses and what little entertainment we can afford, we just scrape by.

My problem is that I have a son, a daughter and a grandson — all adults — currently living under my roof, as they had absolutely nowhere else to go. They are not contributing any money and are not keeping their areas clean and tidy.

They cook and eat in my home. Please help me with how to get them motivated to clean up after themselves and contribute to our little community.

Gentle reader: It should not matter, but if you have disclosed the fact that the house is paid for, your family might be under the false impression that your expenses are nominal. Or if they are in the throes of a difficult time, they may be reverting back to their childish ways.

You can have compassion while also creating ground rules: “We are happy to have you here, but you must treat our house with respect, especially if this is going to be a longterm situation. Cleaning up after yourself is required, and contributions to meals are appreciated.”

As for motivation?

If they are unwilling to comply, Miss Manners suggests you gently start assisting them with other housing options.

Iam the editor of a publication that comprises submissions from a variety of people. Some of them want me to correct their grammar, but others do not. I asked one writer whether to do so on his work, and he said he wasn’t sure. But then, an hour later, he came back and said he was offended that I’d even asked. Was I wrong to ask?

In your column, since you don’t print people’s names with their submissions, it seems that it would be OK to correct their grammar. A recent question read: “It seems rude to seat guests (especially those who traveled from out of town) in a different room than the guest of honor.” The person who wrote that question might have wanted to show off the article after it was published, so wouldn’t it have been appropriate for you to use “from” rather than “than”?

Dear Miss Manners:

For a second, Miss Manners was afraid that you were suggesting “than” be changed to “then,” and she was going to have to have a whole other conversation about your professional qualifications. Being an editor is your job. Why are you asking for permission from your authors to do it?

Surely it will reflect poorly on all concerned if there are errors or bad grammar in their essays. Any self-respecting writer must recognize the necessity to defer to an editor — or sensibly argue about the correctness.

Miss Manners suggests that you stop asking the authors for permission — and if they are offended, say: “It was nearly perfect. I just corrected a few tiny things. My job, after all, is to protect you.”

Gentle reader:

Dear Miss Manners: I met this guy almost three years ago. We dated for about seven weeks, then he broke it off. We stayed in touch for about a year, and then he asked me to come over for dinner, and we started seeing each other again. But then this past May, he broke it off because he thought that I did not think he was doing enough.

I was so upset that I put all of the cards he had given me, plus some special items, in a bag and dropped them off at his door. We started talking two weeks after that, and are now slowly getting back on track. But I want the cards back.

How and when do I get them back? I did ask him, and he replied, “I’m not sure. That might be a question for Miss Manners.” He was definitely upset that I put all that on his doorstep.

Gentle reader: As well he should have been. Returning letters and presents after a breakup is a way of saying that even the memory of the relationship is painful. At the same time, one might find it a relief to recover written evidence of a possibly defunct passion.

Is it really a viable relationship? Miss Manners has no idea, and suspects that neither of you do, either. Perhaps when you both feel that it is, he will either return the cards or write you something comparable. But you should remember that he has a strong aversion to pressure from you that he is not doing enough. It would not be helpful to repeat that.