Why you should talk to strangers
As children, most of us were raised to not talk to strangers. The rule is meant to keep us safe, but carrying the idea into adulthood can cause us to miss out on enriching conversations.
A new study published in the Psychological and Cognitive Sciences journal reveals that people actually enjoy talking to strangers more than they expect, and the exchange can provide benefits.
“We already know from previous research that people think they’ll enjoy spending their commute in silence, but it turns out that talking to a fellow passenger is more pleasant,” says Stav Atir, assistant professor of management at the Wisconsin School of Business at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and lead author of the study. “People underestimate the informational value of conversations. Yet, it’s an asset we are underutilizing.”
Atir teamed up with University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business colleagues Nicholas Epley, who is a professor of behavioral science, and graduate student Kristina Wald.
The researchers paired strangers for short conversations. Afterward, the participants reported back about the impact of the experience.
Many shared that they were surprised at the breadth of information that people learned from each other.
“Strangers are a powerful source of information,” Atir says. “If you know your conversation partner well, or if you have a good idea of what you’ll be talking about, you may learn about as much. But if you talk to strangers or acquaintances, then that’s where there’s an unexpected amount of learning that takes place.”
For example, participants said they learned about the other person. One person got a tip on possible summer work, and another individual got a recommendation to check out a new TV show.
People also learned a lot of random information that was interesting to them or related to their life somehow. One person shared that they learned about the refugee situation in the Chicago area, and another person learned about someone who joined the Russian mafia by accident.
Atir and her colleagues followed up with the participants two weeks later, asking them about their memory of the conversation. They found that people didn’t remember the conversation as positively as when they first experienced it.
“That could be contributing to a reluctance to then go out and strike conversations again,” she says. “Their expectations are back exactly where they were before they had a conversation, even though they had found the conversations are fun and informative.”
Become more comfortable talking to strangers:
The best way to start a conversation is to look for a commonality that can open the door to connection, says Dr. Joy Qualls, associate dean for Biola University’s School of Fine Arts and Communication.
“Begin with something simple, such as ‘How long have you been with this organization?’ or perhaps, ‘Tell me about your role,’ ” she says. “If you are not in the workplace, you could ask something similar, ‘What do you do for work?’ or ‘How long have you been coming to this church?’ Asking open-ended questions does not assume details about someone’s life that may be uncomfortable, such as questions about marriage or kids. This allows the other person to add whatever details they might choose.”
You can also break the ice by noticing something about the other person and commenting on it, says Lisa Earle McLeod, author of “Selling with Noble Purpose” and a communication and sales coach.
“It can as simple as ‘Those are really cool shoes,’ ” she says. “When you lean in, and pause after you say it, people will usually tell you the story. It doesn’t have to be a flowery compliment; it is simply you noticing something and giving the other person the chance to talk about it.”
Circumstances can also be conversation starters, Earle McLeod says. “Asking something like ‘How are you enjoying the party?’ or ‘Are you finding this line as tedious as I am?’ sets them up to share their perspective on what’s happening right now,” she says. “It’s low-stakes shared experience.”
Thinking about what you need in a conversation can help you get over your fears, Quall adds. “What do you wish people knew about you?” she asks. “What questions make you relax and feel comfortable? Engage in conversations with strangers by engaging in the conversation you need when you are the one being approached.”
While the study paired the strangers together, Atir says that, ultimately, the key to gaining the benefits conversations with strangers can offer is to push yourself to do it. With more practice, you’ll adjust your expectations.
“Expectations matter because they determine people’s decisions to approach others or avoid them,” Atir says.
“As you talk to people more and more, you become more comfortable. You will calibrate your expectations because you’ll realize that the conversations can be enjoyable and informative.”