Things people who are good conversationalists always do

UC San Diego psychology professor Gail Heyman, who specializes in social cognition and in creating better conversations, offers some useful advice on how to have better, more enjoyable conversations that are a pleasure for all participants.

Focus your full attention on the other person

“When people think about being a good conversationalist, they focus on the talking part, and not the listening part,” Heyman said in an interview. That’s a shame, because listening is where the magic happens. “Active listening involves giving your undivided attention to people,” she said. “This helps people feel understood and cared about, and it can build trust and strengthen relationships.”

Let go of worry about how you’re coming across

It’s human nature to constantly worry about how other people perceive us and how to present ourselves in the best possible light. The problem is that it keeps you from truly connecting with the other person. This is especially true if you are constantly planning the clever or insightful thing you’ll say when it’s your turn to talk. If you want the other person to like, respect, and value you, really listening to what they have to say and building that connection is a much more powerful way to accomplish that.

Be genuinely interested in the other person

It’s our nature to be more interested in ourselves than we are in anyone else. But if you give in to that instinct, you’re missing out on a chance to learn. “There are billions of people in the world, each with a rich mental life, but we only have direct access to our own.” Heyman noted. “This leaves gaps in our knowledge and understanding of the world,” she said. Instead, truly listen to the other person and ask follow-up questions that can give you deeper insight into their point of view and experiences. You’ll increase your own perspective and make them feel more connected to you.