Relocating couple stressed by elder’s inaction
Dear Amy: My father-inlaw died about five years ago. My in-laws were married for 45 years.
My mother-in-law is 80 and insists on living in her own house. She expects us to help with the house. Anytime anything breaks, needs fixing or work needs to be done, she expects us to tend to the issue.
We both work full-time jobs. We have our own home, four acres of property to maintain, three horses and three dogs to care for. It’s not that we don’t want to help. We just don’t have time!
We’ve asked her to move in with us, but she refuses. She is not independent. She has never learned to drive, so she has to rely on friends or neighbors to take her shopping or to doctors’ appointments.
Soon, we are moving out of state, and she is coming with us. For the past five years, I’ve been telling her that she needs to start clearing out her house. We are now a few months from moving, and she has done nothing.
We are busy trying to prepare for this move ourselves and between work, property maintenance, the animals, shopping, laundry and packing up our house, we have no time to spare to pack her stuff up as well.
I have told my husband that she will just have to stay put until she gets her place cleared out and then we can come back and get her. I am at a loss!
— Frustrated in Texas
Dear Frustrated: Your life is extremely stressful. It’s a shame that caring for your dogs and horses is preventing you from caring for an elderly human, but surely your own overwhelming burdens might give you some insight into what packing and moving might be like for an 80-year-old, whose capabilities have always been far less than yours.
Your mother-in-law has had five years to start this process, but it is simply not happening. And yes, this inaction might be her fault, but it is still not happening.
Your ultimatum must seem reasonable, but it might ultimately be less stressful for you if you at least set up and supervise the sorting and packing process for your motherin-law. Otherwise, surely you do realize that you are setting her up for a far more stressful situation down the road because you will wind up doing this from a distance.
There are people who are good at this task and who will help sort through possessions and keep, toss and sell — in exchange for a fee that is earned from the sale of some of the items from the house.
It can be easier on everyone if a professional from outside the family assists with this challenging task. Contact your local Office on Aging, or search for “senior transition services” in your area.
Dear Amy: My husband and I are in our 70s. We and most of our friends are a little forgetful.
However, we have one friend who will ask the same question several times during a conversation. For example, the friend will ask about the health of a mutual friend, and then two minutes later might ask the same question again. This is just one example of many.
Should we just smile and repeat our answer, or should we tell our friend we are worried because they seem to be getting very forgetful? Is there another solution?
—E
Dear E: If your friend has a partner or family member nearby, reach out and report your concern. A person with an intimate tie to your friend should accompany them for a checkup and assessment.
In the moment, you should deal with repeated questions by marshaling your patience and answering the question again. Nudging the person by stating, “You’ve already asked that; don’t you remember?” could bring on further confusion.
Dear Amy: “Concerned Grandmother” has a son who had fathered a child while still in high school. Thank you for suggesting that this young dad needed to pursue legal custody, rather than the informal arrangement they currently have.
Some states will offer free “clinics” for parents to navigate this process. The young dad should also take a parenting class, which will demonstrate his commitment. And yes — he should use birth control! — Appreciative
Dear Appreciative: I admired the entire family’s commitment to this baby.