Insensitive comments about euthanasia hurt veterinarian
Iama small-animal veterinarian. Often, when people hear of my career, they coo, “Oh, I wanted to be a vet, too, but I’m just too tenderhearted.” Sometimes they’ll follow up with a horrified whisper: “All that euthanasia! How can you do it? Don’t you feel horrible?”
Miss M, this makes me feel like a monster. I am proud to be able to offer animals a good death and end their suffering. When people call me to euthanize their pets, they are desperate. They’ve seen their best friend go downhill in a hurry. They are often emotional wrecks, and their gratitude for my service is clear and genuine.
Yes, I am morally comfortable assisting people to say goodbye, and helping their beloved pets over the edge into the great unknown, or rainbow bridge, or chance at reincarnation, or whatever awaits them. But I am wounded by comments like these.
Please don’t say I’m too sensitive . ... the hypothetical person I’m talking with has just said I succeeded in becoming a vet because I am insensitive.
Can you offer an appropriate response that I can whip out in a hurry? I don’t want to be insulting, but I do want folks to see how their insensitive remarks sting.
After thanking them for the insult, Miss Manners presumes. “I can assure you it is
Gentle reader:
never easy to euthanize. But the alternative is far crueler.”
Have you ever been to the grocery store, seen someone pushing a cart full of groceries and wondered if they’re shopping for a party? Or if perhaps they have a dozen kids at home?
Ever had the nerve to actually ask the shopper what all the food is for?
I have three teenagers and shop every 10 to 12 days, and my cart is full to the brim every time. I’m stopped every single trip, sometimes multiple times, with comments such as: “Got a full load there!” “How many kids do you feed?” “Hope you have a deep freezer!” “What is your bill for all that?” “How often do you shop?” “Are you one of those monthly shoppers?”
And the latest: “Have you considered buying a whole cow?”
What are your thoughts on this? I’m not really bothered by it, and I even expect it now, even though I would never ask someone questions about their groceries.
Dear Miss Manners:
Gentle reader: It is a good thing you are not bothered by this, considering the volatile state of people out shopping for groceries nowadays.
At least these shoppers are only making inane remarks. There is no cure for that, Miss Manners is sorry to say, but the only acknowledgment it requires is a weak smile as you accelerate down the aisle.
Dear Miss Manners: I was wondering if it’s inappropriate to show up for the repast if you have not attended the funeral.
My brother-in-law by marriage passed away, and we traveled out of town for the funeral, staying at a hotel. My daughter, an adult child from a previous marriage, lives about an hour away from where we were staying. She has only met my husband’s family four times in 10 years.
She was not able to attend the wake, nor the funeral, but wanted to show up at the restaurant for the repast. I told her that it would be inappropriate and intrusive to show up at the meal if she did not attend the services.
Was I correct? Or would it have been OK for her to show up for the meal and bring flowers for the widow?
Marriage being the only way to acquire a brother-inlaw, Miss Manners takes your point to be that the deceased was not your daughter’s uncle, but what we should call her step-uncle, if such things followed any logic.
Your daughter wanted to express her condolences — despite her busy schedule — while you did not want her to appear to be looking for a free meal. Both are reasonable concerns, but both can be accomplished with a letter of condolence.
If your daughter also wanted the meal, she could have called the widow to express her condolences directly — and said how sorry she was that she was not free before such-andsuch time, which conflicts with the funeral.
Your sister-in-law could have then suggested she come when she was available.