Woman’s office chair seems to come with ‘subservient’ setting

I was at a dinner party where the hostess, a paralegal at a local law firm, was telling us about a conversation she had in her office with one of the partners. The actual point of the story became secondary to our conversation when she set the stage with, “When he sat down, I made sure to lower my chair so that I sat lower than him.”

The other four women in the room were stunned. We pressed her on this, and she was surprised at our reaction.

I understand that you would want to be at eye level with someone during an important conversation, but physically sublimating yourself to your boss seems extreme. Is this normal office etiquette of which I am simply unaware?

Gentle reader: Not in this country — or century. And previous centuries did not have such easily adjustable chairs. In other cultures, bowing to lower yourself in front of someone of higher social standing is considered polite. But America was founded with the idea that we are all created equal.

So unless this woman’s boss is quite literally of such low stature that he requires a seat adjustment in order to be seen at eye level, Miss Manners is inclined to share your stunned reaction.

Dear Miss Manners: I am a 54-year-old woman whose given name is Brett (a name typically given to boys). My mother loved the name after reading

Ernest Hemingway’s “The Sun Also Rises,” and decided, long before I was born, to give that name to her child. I believe she was ahead of her time, and I admire her for that.

To be honest, I did not enjoy having this name while growing up; I wanted a flowery, feminine name like my sister’s. But once I became an adult, I loved its uniqueness.

Throughout my life, I have had many responses to my name. The one that I continue to find tactless at best and offensive at worst is, “Did your parents want a boy?”

I’ve varied my answer over the years, depending on my maturity and mood. Throwing back the literary origin of Brett is generally my favorite tactic. I wonder what Miss Manners would advise as a response?

This is shocking! Not the casual rudeness you have endured; that is unfortunately so commonplace as to be unsurprising.

Miss Manners is shocked that not everyone has read “The Sun Also Rises.” So yes, perhaps you could deliver a brief literary tutorial: “Surely you remember Brett, Lady Ashley? Jake Barnes’ friend? That summer in Pamplona? The unfortunate episode with Romero?”

Perhaps that will encourage these people to look her up and be led to an influential work of American literature. Isn’t it pretty to think so?

Gentle reader:

I’ve had just about enough of a certain action I see at parties: I feel it’s absolutely rude to decline a piece of the cake. Sorry to all who think “politely declining” is polite. Take a piece of the darn cake and throw

Dear Miss Manners:

it out later if you can’t eat it. If you’re full, dieting, diabetic or even allergic, just graciously accept it and the host will move on happily. The cake is made with all the guests in mind, and that costs a lot of time and money. And if, like me, there’s no medical reason not to eat it, taste a piece for good luck.

What is your professional opinion?

Gentle reader: That “No, thank you” is a response that should be respected. Miss Manners suggests you calm down by ending your practice of monitoring what anyone — other than your own child — does or does not eat.

I contend that buying a round of drinks when out with friends is like giving a gift, in that one should do so without anticipation of the gesture being reciprocated. It is a way of saying, “I am grateful for your company, and here is my effort to enliven our night out.”

“Bosh,” says my friend: Buying a round of drinks is an established custom, in that over the course of the evening, each person is expected to take his or her turn. Please let me know whether to be smug or admonished.

Dear Miss Manners:

Gentle reader: Buying a round of drinks should not come with an expectation, but it is always kind to reciprocate. So “Bosh,” Miss Manners supposes, to both of you. (And “Cheers!”)