Suspension can feel like reward
Dear Kid Whisperer: I teach at an alternative school, where most students have been unable to be successful at their assigned public school and most students have at least one behavior goal in their Individualized Education Plan. I have received your training and read your book. They both have helped tremendously. Things are going well in my classroom overall, except with one student. He has threatened to punch me multiple times. As you have taught me, I delayed the learning opportunity (consequence). The problem is that he refuses to do the Delayed Learning Opportunity. What do I do now?
Dear Reader: I love this question because it may be the ultimate “where the rubber meets the road” question: What do I do when the kid refuses to do the learning necessary to become a better person?
First, this answer will not address whether a kid needs to be suspended for this action. That will be determined by the school, usually vis-à-vis school policy. While there are times when this is a good idea (we need to help students and teachers feel safe and we may need time to come up with a plan for the student), suspensions are not an effective means of teaching kids pro-social behavior.
For many kids, suspensions are a reward and a vacation and reinforce negative behaviors by providing attention, a feeling of control and the avoidance of school. When suspended, many kids will be unsupervised, giving them the opportunity to ride their bike around the neighborhood and brag about how they got suspended. Of course, once the behavior becomes reinforced in this way, it is likely to repeat, which will result in another suspension, and maybe another, and then maybe an expulsion.
When this happens, we have kind of tricked this kid into getting repeatedly suspended or even expelled from school. Of course, since you are at an alternative school, this child has probably already been expelled from another school.
This leads me to suggest that you make a profound paradigm shift. This kid refusing to do his Delayed Learning Opportunity, or DLO, delivered with calm, loving empathy is a wonderful thing, and may be the greatest opportunity this kid has ever had in his life.
By refusing to learn an important lesson about life (perhaps writing a plan for what to do when frustrated that does not involve violence or threatening violence, or practicing being given disappointing news and not becoming violent or threatening violence), this kid is effectively waving a big flag at you that says: Hey! I don’t know how to be a positive, pro-social person yet! I can do it, but I need your help! I think that becoming belligerent and refusing a reasonable request from an adult authority figure can get me out of trouble and get me what I want! If you don’t teach me that my belligerent, antisocial behavior doesn’t make my life better, my life is going to become way, way worse over time, and this will lead to horrible pain and suffering! Help me!
The next step is to create what we call DLO Logistics so that we create DLO Inevitability. How we do this will vary for each kid and situation.
The goal is to give the kid no attention, control or avoidance while he refuses to learn to be a more positive, pro-social person, over the course of days, weeks or months during noninstructional time. It may involve keeping the kid in one place while he is belligerent or having a perfect Non-Reactive Monitoring, or NRM, plan that may involve multiple people.
Doing so will ensure that he eventually learns the lessons (in this case, not becoming belligerent and not threatening violence) that can give him a chance for happiness and success in life.