China Daily Global Edition (USA)
STAYING SINGLE CAN BE SO DEMANDING
Parental pressure lurks on road to romance
This month, when a classmate from high school days married, Feng Xin became the last single person in her group of friends.
During the wedding at a fivestar hotel, Feng noticed couples with or without children dotted throughout the room.
The 38-year-old said: “I feel happy for my friend. However, at the same time, I am starting to realize just how different and weird being single in my late 30s feels. It was cold outside and it felt even colder when people at the wedding asked me why I was still single.”
Feng, a native of the capital, graduated from Beijing Normal University in 2007 with a master’s in Chinese language. She works as a civil servant and lives alone in a two-bedroom apartment in a downtown area of the city. Both her parents are retired, and she visits them every weekend.
Feng leads a simple but fulfilling life. When she is not at work, she likes to hang out with friends, goes to the gym or stays home with her cat.
In China, where conformity and traditional family values have always been highly prized, her solo lifestyle is still considered unconventional.
“It was only when I bought something that was too heavy for me to carry up several flights of stairs to my apartment that I realized there is a downside to being single. However, I can always hire someone to carry it for me, right?” Feng said.
With the end of this year fast approaching, family members, classmates and colleagues will gather to celebrate the arrival of 2021, as they will for Spring Festival, which next year falls in February. During dinners, they will discuss issues such as finding a boyfriend and getting married — topics that single people such as Feng dread.
Even worse, after dinner a few days ago with colleagues, most of whom are in their 20s and early 30s, Feng came across a phrase she had never heard before — mu tai solo. This combination of the Chinese words “mu tai” and the English word “solo” refers to people who have never been in a romantic relationship.
“Unfortunately, I am one of them. When I told my colleagues I had been mu tai solo for nearly 40 years, they looked shocked and sympathized with me,” Feng said. “It was very embarrassing. I just made fun of myself, saying that my new year wish is to find my first love and then experience my first heartbreak.
“There has always been a phrase for single women — sheng nyu, or ‘leftover women’. Now, there is this new one, mu tai solo, which is disparaging. It’s not my fault that I’m mu tai solo, because when love happens, it happens. You cannot force it.”
When she told her mother about this experience, her 67-year-old parent sighed and said, “See, this is why you need a boyfriend to help get you out of this situation.”
Feng said: “But I really don’t think so. I don’t need a relationship to prove that I am one of ‘them’. I don’t want to get married under any kind of pressure. Finding what makes you happy is the most important thing.”
She said she is still open to a relationship, but values her independence more than a romantic liaison.
Feng said it is not just the fact that being single in her 30s seems strange — dating itself has become more difficult. “We know more about what we want and what we won’t tolerate,” she said.
According to the Ministry of Civil Affairs, there were more than 240 million single adults in China in 2018, with over 77 million of them living alone — a figure forecast to rise to 92 million next year.
Matchmaking corners
Numerous television reality shows, dramas and movies have similar storylines of smart, beautiful, successful women trying hard to find the right man.
However, despite the rising number of dating apps, matchmakers and TV shows offering advice for those trying to start a romantic relationship, many people such as Feng wear their single status with pride and positivity.
Wang Li, 42, has been in relationships, but is now single again. Born and raised in Jinan, Shandong province, she is good-looking and well-educated. She did not have her first relationship until she was 27.
When she was in her early 30s, Wang said she faced heavy parental pressure to find a marital partner. She visited Zhongshan Park, west of Tian’anmen Square, which is the site of a weekly matchmaking corner, where parents seek the perfect spouse for their offspring.
Parents typically display their children’s resumes, listing education, date of birth, salary, occupation, housing and other details that could help start a relationship.
Wang said: “I went there with a female friend, who was also single. I was pretty confident when I arrived at the matchmaking corner, but quickly became disappointed on being told that I was a little old. There were many more single women there than single men, and most of the women’s resumes looked impressive.
“The divorce rate is rising. Isn’t it better that I stay single?” Wang added.
Matchmaking corners can be found in many parks in China, including People’s Park — or Renmin Park — in Shanghai and Tianhe Park in Guangzhou, capital of Guangdong province.
A mother, surnamed Zheng, who has taken her 30-year-old daughter’s resume to Zhongshan Park every Thursday since September, said, “It is purely about luck, but it’s the very least I can do for my daughter’s future.
“Most parents come to the matchmaking corner without telling their children, because the children don’t like the idea. However, as parents, we feel there is an urgent need to solve their problems. When I eventually die, I don’t want my daughter to be alone.”
On Dec 3, the social media platform Yitiao released a report featuring 50 single people who graduated from leading higher education institutions such as Tshinghua University and Peking University. Ten interviewees shared their experiences in a video of going on blind dates and of being single.
A 29-year-old woman, who wanted to be known only as “Lele”, is a mu tai solo. The Tsinghua graduate planned to find a boyfriend at university, but failed to do so.
“I am looking forward to my first love, although I have no idea when this will happen. It’s been a little bit disappointing, but I don’t want to give up on the idea,” she said in the video.
A woman calling herself “Ningning”, who works as a mergers and acquisitions consultant for a foreign company in Beijing, said she posted her resume on a blind-dating social media platform, but it attracted comments such as, “It would be perfect if you were a man.”
“Ningning”, 34, who graduated from Zhejiang University and Tsinghua University, and also from Cornell University in the United States, earns about 1 million yuan ($152,839 ) annually.
“I started going on blind dates when I was 29. During the past four years, I have dated more than 10 potential partners, but none were suitable for me,” she said.
“Compared with men, women work very hard in their 20s and can then become ‘leftover women’ in their 30s. However, men are always ‘bachelors’.”
The Yitao report also featured interviews with single men, who said they were in totally different situations to their female counterparts.
One of them, “Bang”, a graduate of Johns Hopkins University in the US, works as a commodities analyst in Shanghai. The 26-yearold split up with his girlfriend five months ago and has since been on five blind dates, for which he was introduced by his parents and friends. “I want to focus on my job now and enjoy the single life,” he said. Zhao Yuewei, a 26-year-old graduate from Waseda University in Japan, is single and a mu tai solo. He said women of his age who graduate from top universities have really high standards for a potential husband — both financially and spiritually.
I don’t need a relationship to prove that I am one of ‘them’. I don’t want to get married under any kind of pressure. Finding what makes you happy is the most important thing.”
Feng Xin, a 38-year-old single woman in Beijing
Platform launched
In 2015, two graduates from Tsinghua University launched a blind-dating platform titled HIMMR, the initials for “How I Met Mr. Right”. The site is aimed at graduates from leading universities.
According to its website, “the platform is dedicated to offering dating services for graduates from 985 top universities”, a reference to Project 985, which was launched in 1998 to enhance the reputation of Chinese universities and accelerate their development.
During the past five years, the platform has established teams in cities including Beijing, Shanghai, Shenzhen, Guangdong province, and Hangzhou, Zhejiang province. It has provided services to more than 10,000 people, with 35 percent of them successfully finding partners.
However, the platform has triggered controversy online, with netizens stating that it is prejudiced against those who are not graduates from the 985 top universities. They also said that romantic relationships should not be judged by educational backgrounds.
Shen Yifei, a professor of sociology at Fudan University in Shanghai, said: “Age, educational background, occupation, interests and general lifestyle are usually listed before single people go dating. It may be easier to put such ‘conditions’ aside, because they are no guarantee of happiness in marriage.”
The older and younger generations hold different views about marriage, which can lead to heated conflict, Shen said.
“Parents want their children to get married as soon as possible after graduation, because they consider that marriage means stability.
“However, for young people, marriage is not necessary for survival, and they also have new ambitions. Young people, especially women, are very independent and they want to fall in love, rather than merely finding someone to marry.”