JIM SHEA
Conversation has lost its intimacy. Even the most private tete- a- tete now includes the presence of a third or even fourth party — the hand- held device.
Eye contact has given way to eye- to- screen, eyeto- screen, eye- to- screen contact.
Physical presence has no chance against the eyePhone’s irresistible chime.
Everyone is more interest in where they are not, as opposed to where they are.
Everyone wants to be with anyone other than the one they are with.
This may be for the best.
Conversing has become a minefield.
These days it’s necessary to always be aware of who you are talking to. This, in turn, dictates what will be safe to talk about.
The wrong word to the wrong person can quickly turn into Thanksgiving dinner with crazy Uncle Charlie.
Under no circumstances can you discuss politics with someone of a different ideological persuasion. If you do, chances are that within a few minutes you will not be talking politics, you will be shouting politics.
In the good old days, when facts were, well, facts, it was possible to hold a civilized conversation with someone who held a different point of view. This is no longer possible because everyone has their own facts.
Sports are an exception. Sports diehards of differing allegiances are able to converse civilly because the facts, the stats, are clear cut.
They may have different interpretations of given facts, but at least it is fact based.
In my experience, the only people you cannot talk sports with are those who are regular callers to sports- talk shows. If you have ever listened to a sports- talk show you will understand why. Crazy Uncle Charlie is a regular caller to sports- talk shows.
Older people are the easiest and safest group to chat up. All you have to do is mention health or the weather, and they are off and running.
For some reason older people turn into TV meteorologists the minute you say something like, “Is the rain going to hold off?”
This immediately launches them into a monologue on highs and lows, temperatures and humidity, precipitation and their 10- day forecast.
With an older person, there is no such thing as meteorological small talk.
Another thing the senior set will discuss at length is any and all subjects related to health.
This includes the following subsets:
Well being: “How do I feel? Well, I’m still above ground. But let me tell you about my goiter.”
Aches and pains: “My lower back is getting better, but I’m still groaning like a porn star when I try to get out of the chair.”
Surgeries and procedures: “They went in and removed my gallbladder and while they were there they removed parts of a few other organs and then they tweaked my sphincter.”
“Who are ‘ they?’ ”
“No idea.”
Doctor evaluations: “His receptionist is very nice and the office has really up- to- date magazines. I’d definitely recommend him.”
Women, of course, communicate with each other on an entirely different plane than men.
What is most striking about female- to- female conversations is that they involve a lot of listening.
Unless one of the parties is unconscious, listening does not play a part in the typical male conversation. Essentially, the average male conversation has three components: One, talking.
Two, talking over the person who is currently talking.
Three, thinking about what you are going to say when it is your turn to talk again.
Any listening is purely accidental.