How I spent my summer vacation

Every year at this time I get the urge to write a theme. Not just any theme, the standard theme:

“How I Spent My Summer Vacation.”

This impulse is rooted in the assignment given at the beginning of the school year by teachers from time immemorial. It had two purposes as far as I can tell:

The first was to make the point that summer is over and fun in the sun has given way to slog in the fog.

The second was to keep students busy while the teacher organized her desk and fought an urge to flee the building screaming.

I always enjoyed writing the theme, but thought it unfortunate teachers took off so much for picky stuff like spelling and grammar.

So, how did I spend my summer vacation?

First off, I didn’t go anywhere. I live on the shore, now, and see no reason to go to someplace like Cape Cod, when I can just as easily sit in traffic here on my way to an on an overcrowded

I WATCHED THE RED SOX RELIGIOUSLY. I DID THIS OUT OF A SENSE OF DUTY.

beach. I didn’t go on any trips, either. Last summer I went to Ireland with 22 members of my family. This is not something you want to do every year.

I got bitten on both feet by chiggers, a lot of them. It was very unpleasant. Chiggers are tiny members of the arachnid family. They inject an enzyme into your skin and then feed off the dead cells. If you think this sounds disgusting, you ought to see it. I went to the doctor, who gave me some cream. If that didn’t work, I was going to try my own home remedy — gin.

I rebuilt my deck. I know this doesn’t sound like fun, and it wasn’t. It involved a lot of manual labor. I have no problem with manual labor so long as it is not my manual labor. The key when committing amateur carpentry is to always make sure your measurements are correct. You know how they say “Measure twice, cut once?” My mantra is more like: “Measure twice and don’t cut off anything important.”

I took my dog to the beach. He loves the water. In fact, he loves the water so much that he doesn’t even come out when he has to poop. Have you ever tried to bag dog poop off a cresting wave? I’ll tell you, it takes great hand- eye coordination.

I played golf. I don’t know why. I have enough failure in my life. Golf is a game rooted in failure. Golf is not a game in which the person who plays the best wins. Rather it is a game in which the person who plays the least poorly wins. One of the things I do like about golf is playing with my friends. Watching friends repeatedly fail should not be so enjoyable, but it is.

I found the party primary contests for governor strange. In a break from tradition, the Republicans did not choose a self- funding millionaire from Greenwich, the Democrats did. And though it was Bob Stefanowski who was immediately endorsed by Trump, it was Ned Lamont who sent a thank- you note to the White House.

Iwatched the Red Sox religiously. I did this out of a sense of duty. It was difficult because even though the team is very good, baseball can be very boring. The only thing that will get you into an unconscious state quicker than baseball is a concussion.

I read a lot of books, mostly historical novels. I did this because I like to read, and also because it is not possible to watch baseball without doing at least three or four other things at the same time. If I weren’t reading I’d be flipping channels, consulting my phone, checking to see if the dog needs worming. It’s interesting to see how much more relaxed the dog seems after baseball season.

Speaking of anal, try not to be too retentive when correcting this theme.