Adifferent path to parenthood

Support group helps LGBTQ community

WESTPORT — When Dr. Mark Leondires first embarked on his journey toward parenthood more than seven years ago, he was stunned by how few resources there were for him. As gay men, he and his husband, Greg Zola, faced daunting challenges on the way to becoming parents, which included finding someone to actually carry and have the baby.

In many ways, Leondires, who lives in Westport, was prepared for the journey. The medical director of Norwalk- based Reproductive Medicine Associates of Connecticut, he has been taking care of patients with fertility issues for more than 20 years, and that includes members of the LGBTQ community.

“This is a different kind of fertility issue,” Leondires said. “You’re not infertile, but there are

“I knew it was really complicated, and I didn’t feel there were great resources for it.” Dr. Mark Leondires

fertility issues.”

But for LGBT couples without his experience in fertility, Leondires could understand how difficult the process could be.

“The biggest hurdle our community has is how to get started,” he said. “And I thought it would be nice if there were more people talking about this.”

So in 2012, Leondires created Gay Parents to Be, a group that provides information on how gay, lesbian and transgender people can start the process of becoming parents. It also helps prospective LGBTQ parents find legal services they might need on their journey, gives access to financial planning ( through RMA Connecticut) and offers occasional informational events.

Leondires intends the program as a sort of roadmap for LGBTQ parents.

“As a member of that community myself, I knew it was really complicated, and I didn’t feel there were great resources for it,” he said.

Some of the parents he’s helped start families agreed.

Ben and Jed Ilany, of Dobbs Ferry, N. Y., learned about Leondires in 2013 through the surrogacy agency they used, and he helped them conceive their two children. Both said they wished there were more outlets for same- sex couples when they began thinking about starting a family.

“When you first start, you so in over your head,” Ben said.

Jed agreed, and said a resource like this one can also be helpful once LGBTQ people actually become parents. He said he’s the primary caregiver in his family, and he had a hard time finding parenting groups that were accepting to male parents.

“Most of the stuff out there is geared toward moms,” he said. “I would have loved having this as just a support group.”

The Gay Parents to Be website has pages for gay men, lesbians and transgender people, each of which outlines the steps involved for people from that particular group to become parents. Gay men, Leondires said, have one of the more complicated paths, which involves finding an egg donor, going through the in vitro fertilization process and connecting with a gestational carrier — often called a surrogate.

The process can take several years and cost thousands of dollars. Leondires said that for him and Zola, even getting to the point of attempting pregnancy “was a little more than a year.”

Their first attempt at conception wasn’t suc- cessful, resulting in a miscarriage. Eventually, the couple conceived a son, then another.