Sports parents behaving badly? It’s complicated
You throw a punch. You lose control of the narrative.
Really, it is that simple. Parental decorum at sporting events is more complicated and layered than athletic administrators, coaches, officials and sports writers often are willing to lead people to believe.
But you allegedly get into a fistfight in the parking lot after a high school hockey game? Get arrested for third- degree assault and interfering with police?
Your name is Edward “Ned” Osterhaus, 56, of Stamford.
Your name is Matthew Zolin, 51, of Greenwich.
And there’s nothing you can do to stop your names from spreading online from Greenwich, Connecticut, to Greenwich, England.
There’s nothing you can do to stop from becoming the punchline for humiliating jokes about whacked out parents at their kids’ sporting events.
Frankly, that’s the narrative Osterhaus and Zolin deserve.
For those who haven’t followed the story, here’s the shorthand version: According to the Stamford Advocate, Osterhaus, the father of the Westhill- Stamford co- op goalie, and Zolin, the father of the Greenwich goalie, allegedly had words during last weekend’s game when the Greenwich net came off its moorings a number of times. Goalies are known to knock the net free to get a play stoppage when their team is under duress.
According to Stamford Youth Bureau Sgt. Joseph Kennedy, one of the two fathers allegedly said something especially denigrating about the abilities of the other’s son during the 3- 1 Greenwich victory. As the fans were leaving Terry Connors Rink, their argument continued. Fists were allegedly thrown.
Fifty- Something Daddies Gone Wild. That is a narrative out of Zolin’s and Osterhaus’s control.
If someone had gotten badly hurt or their fight had escalated into a multi- person brawl, the two would have been looking at even more than $ 20,000 courtappearance bonds. As it is, their arraignments at the Stamford courthouse are scheduled for Feb. 14.
Valentine’s Day. Isn’t that sweet? Maybe the judge can order they exchange roses and chocolate bonbons.
Oh, did I mention, according to court records, Zolin is a marketing business development
Whenever there is a problem with parents at sporting events, the jury is usually out for, oh, 30 seconds before the public verdict returns. Daddy is nuts. Mommy is nuts. The videos out there on social media of taunting or fighting parents are so outrageous those snippets become the blanket story of millions. Nuanced details take a back seat.
executive on Wall Street and Osterhaus is a real estate agent?
The truth is poor parental conduct knows no economic, racial, gender or religious boundaries. It can happen just as easily and just as ugly at a lacrosse game in the affluent suburbs as a basketball game in the inner city. There is no more powerful love than the one between parents and kids. Moms and dads want only the best for their children. And to drop all this love and all the hopes and dreams into a competitive sporting event, well, calling parents biased is the most obvious of understatements.
Another truth centers on the three earlier paragraphs reporting the events leading up to and involving the fight. I know I will receive feedback informing me how I don’t nearly know the full story, wasn’t at Connors Rink and therefore am not qualified to comment.
Hey, it was Osterhaus’ fault! Hey, it was really Zolin’s fault! This happened! That didn’t happen! And, anyway, who are you to judge?
How do I know this truth? There are at least two dozen examples of such reaction after columns in my backlog. After 40 years in sports writing, including a quarter century as a columnist, and after having a son play youth, high school, AAU and college basketball, I’ve been on both sides of the fence. Yes, I have been there.
Whenever there is a problem with parents at sporting events, the jury is usually out for, oh, 30 seconds before the public verdict returns. Daddy is nuts. Mommy is nuts. The videos out there on social media of taunting or fighting parents are so outrageous those snippets become the blanket story of millions. Nuanced details take a back seat.
Administrators and coaches, who so often receive the wrath of disgruntled parents, aren’t going to dissuade anyone from that narrative. Referees and umpires, who so often get heckled at games, aren’t going to dissuade you, either. The sports media covering high schools, eager to promote good sportsmanship and whose relationships are generally forged with athletic directors and coaches, rarely champion the parents’ point of view …
Beyond telling them to sit there, smile and shut up. And, oh yeah, remember it’s only a game.
Over the years, I’ve seen coaches treat players shabbily. I’ve seen game officials act like they’re Napoleon. Is it only a game for them, too, after so many adults trumpet all the life lessons to be learned through sports? Don’t minimize the game. Maximize the opportunities to learn and grow.
I’ve seen far too many parents insult officials, yell at their team’s coaches and throw tantrums. And while the pressures of wildly rising college costs have led too many parents in recent years to put too much stock in trying to get their kids athletic- related subsidies of some sort, ugly fan behavior is hardly new.
Consider a Brien McMahon hockey player grabbed by several Staples High fans was dragged into the stands, beaten and slashed across the face with a knife or razor. Thirteen players were injured, along with spectators and several police officers. Consider West Haven hockey players and fans fought Greenwich players and two were severely injured after the Cardinals won in a state tournament upset. Remember that stuff? It’s from a 1978 New York Times article. Forty- two years ago!
So let’s not blame all this on today’s youth, 21st century helicopter parents and Donald Trump.
We ask a lot of parents at sporting events, especially the emotional ones like me. As a sports writer, color me dispassionate. Love sports. Love the drama. Love telling incredible stories. Yet I’m a flatliner. No cheering, it’s unprofessional. No bias, it’s unprofessional. Yet as a passionate dad, I’m loud, supportive and mostly a positive fan. I make no apologies for this. But, man, I am on the edge sometimes and one cross word and you are a demon parent.
I’ve seen an opponent get in my kid’s face and called “a little b…” after that player fouled out. I’ve seen my kid called a “the N- word” and taunted by an opponent after he dunked over him. My son is white with blond hair. Both opponents got technical fouls. Yeah, I shouted at both guys from the stands. Color me imperfect. If you’ve gone to as many football, basketball and baseball games as I have as a writer/ dad and you can say you’ve never heard player taunting, man, you’ve gone to different games than I have.
I’m dead honest here. If my kid called an opponent “a little b…” or if, say, he tripped a player on purpose and his mom or dad approached me to complain, I’d apologize. Except for once when an official tanked in an intimidating environment and called five consecutive, rapid- fire fourth- quarter fouls on my son’s team and I yelled at the daunting high school coach to just go ahead, grab the whistle and ref the rest of the game, I have never been a ref baiter. It’s wrong to heckle officials.
I did make one huge mistake. And it haunts me. Not because my heart was in the wrong place, but because my brain misjudged the time and place.
My son was having a problem with a teammate. Immediately after their team had lost a game far worse than they should have and showed zero chemistry, as I walked out of the high school, I said something to that teammate. It was a constructive suggestion that their problems had gone on long enough and everyone should sit down and solve them. I’d known the kid for years. He cut me with a wise- guy reply. Instead of walking away like I should have, I answered sharply. A few more caustic remarks and unbeknownst to me, his father walked up behind me and joined the unpleasantries. It was a bad look all- around.
No physical threats were made, although it did forever show me how quickly matters can escalate.
It’s interesting, isn’t it? Someone at a bar says something rude or nasty about something you wrote, it rolls off your back. When it’s about your kid, it’s 10 times harder.
There are sportsmanship seminars out there, all sorts of psychologists and sociologists ready to lecture on parental response. Certainly, no shortage of sports writers — including me — to criticize parents when they set lousy examples for their kids. There is much for parents to consider of the road to athletic enlightenment.
Yet until you’ve been a parent in a highly emotional, highly contested spot and someone — bang! — says or does something to provoke you, don’t guarantee you’ll react like Mother Teresa. Just guarantee one thing. That you’ll keep your hands to yourself. You throw a punch and you lose control of the narrative. You get arrested. Now there aren’t enough goalie masks in Fairfield County to hide the embarrassment Osterhaus and Zolin have caused themselves and those close to them.