Tic- tac- toe? It’s all in how you play the game
Sometimes, I like to take a different approach when writing a column to give readers an alternative way of looking or thinking about a problem.
So, I hope your brain is perky this Sunday morning because I want to play a little tic- tac- toe.
I think we all remember how to play it.
It was one of those games you played as a child that helped teach you the art of strategy using Xs and Os to defeat an opponent.
But I want to use it to illustrate the seriousness of an issue that is getting worse and being called a crisis.
Now that readers have the mental image of tic- tactoe in their minds, the first thing I want them to do is to replace the Xs and Os in eight of those nine squares with the following: violence, prison, juvenile detention, poverty, suicide, substance abuse, obesity, and hunger.
The only square left blank should be the one in the middle.
And the only question that remains is what word or words readers should use to fill in the blank square — because it is that missing word that experts say spawns the other eight squares.
By now, I am sure readers have already figured out the missing word is
“father.”
And there are millions of kids in the United States who spend the first 18 years of their lives asking a simple question: where is my Dad?
Experts say there is a direct correlation between that missing father and the consequences that have led to our game of tic- tac- toe.
And while I hate statistics, some of them are too staggering to ignore.
According to livebout. com, children growing up in fatherless households account for 63 percent of youth suicides; 85 percent of children who exhibit behavioral disorders; 71 percent of all high school dropouts; 70 percent of juveniles in state institutions; 75 percent of adolescents in substance abuse centers; and 75 percent of rapists motivated by displaced anger.
And the U. S. Census Bureau reports there are now approximately 20 million children in America growing up without a father. That is more than 1 in 4 children who may add to those stats. Like I said, the statistics are staggering.
But absent fathers and the problems they leave are nothing new and while their absence leaves that middle square blank, they are not what this column is all about — rather it is about the people who pick up their slack and fill in that blank square.
I was talking Thursday with Mark Lounsbury, director of youth ministries for the Jericho Partnership, a faith- based organization in Danbury that serves children regardless of faith.
The goal of the nonprofit is to help at- risk youths graduate high school, foster personal responsibility, and transform Danbury’s innercity neighborhoods.
Here in Connecticut, nearly 235,000 children live in a single- parent home, according to the Annie E. Casey Foundation. Of these, nearly 110,000 live in poverty.
Lounsbury sees some of these kids every day and admits it is a challenge to get these youths to trust adults as role models. And Jericho is just one of the nonprofits in the Nutmeg State combating the statewide problem with mentoring
But it is not easy.
He said in situations where children have been disappointed by the adults in their lives, they put up barriers and resistance to developing close relationships with other adults — such as mentors — because they don’t believe the adult will be around long- term.
“We’ve discovered over time, that it takes at least a year to build up enough of a relationship with a young person that they become open enough to share some of the challenges they’re facing,” he said.
A study by the Pew Research Center found that in 1960, only 11 percent of children in the U. S. lived apart from their fathers. By 2010, that share had grown to 27 percent, while children living apart from their mothers increased from 4 percent to 8 percent during the same period.
So we have a growing problem on our hands — and only we can do something about it.
And that is where society must step in as external role models.
“Mentoring is at its best
when it’s simply a relationship,” Lounsbury said. “I think people sometimes feel they’re not equipped to quote- unquote ‘ fix someone who’s struggling, or who’s got these challenges or I don’t know how to fix these kids problems’ — and I tell people we are not in the business of trying to fix kids. We are in the business of building relationships with young people.”
And Lounsbury said once that relationship is built, the change in kids is not only visible but so powerful, many become mentors.
“If we can be faithful enough to show up, and be present with young people, and let them know, ‘ I see you, I hear you, you have value and I believe in you,’ … if we can do those things for young people, we would see them blossom and see them become what they are capable of becoming.”
There is some good news.
That same Pew study also found that fathers who live in the home are fully engaged in their children’s lives and are spending more time with them than previous generations.
And the study also found that not all fathers who live away from their children abandon them.
But there is still a sobering reality: too many fathers are not in the game ( 20 percent among white fathers, 31 percent for Hispanics and 57 percent for blacks) and more and more mentors are needed to pick up the slack.
I said at the beginning of this column, this was going to be a different way to look at a problem. To me, it is easy to visualize how important that middle square is to keep kids from ending up in any of the other eight squares.
But until fathers return to the home and once again become a force in that middle square and turn those negative squares to positive, we can never draw a line to declare a winner — and that leaves us with too many losers.
Tic- tac- toe? It’s all in how you play the game.
James Walker is the host of the podcast, Real talk, Real people. Listen at https:// anchor. fm/ real- talk- real- people. He can be reached at 203- 605- 1859 or at realtalkrealpeoplect @ gmail. com. @ thelieonroars on Twitter