‘ NOBODY CAN DO THIS ALONE’
Caregiver daughters of parents with Alzheimer’s seek support
Holly Batti has always been close to her mother, and her mother’s diagnosis with Alzheimer’s disease didn’t change that.
Batti, who lives in Ridgefield, visits her mom, 81- year- old Gwen Fiorito, as often as possible in the memory care facility where she lives at the Greens at Cannondale in Wilton.
They talk. Batti sometimes does activities with her, such as playing with a variation on the old children’s toy Colorforms. During the height of the pandemic, when Batti didn’t feel comfortable visiting in person, they would have regular video chats.
Now they’re both vaccinated and Batti sees her mom whenever she can. It can be painful, Batti said.
“She doesn’t always know I’m her daughter, but she knows I’m someone who loves her,” she said. “I just try to meet her where she is.”
Batti said one of the hardest parts of being the caregiver daughter of a mother with dementia is that their dynamic has completely changed.
“The roles have reversed,” she said. “I look at her as my child and it’s my responsibility to protect her and keep her from harm. I’m trying to care for my kids and care for my mother. I’m pulled in every direction.”
She’s not alone. According to the 2021 Alzheimer’s Association Facts and Figures report, about two- thirds of dementia caregivers are women, and about onethird of dementia caregivers were daughters.
Alzheimer’s disease is a form of dementia that can affect memory, thinking and behavior. More than 6 million Americans of all ages have Alzheimer’s, the Association reports.
Not only do women make up the bulk of Alzheimer’s caregivers, the Alzheimer’s Association report also found that female caregivers can experience slightly higher levels of burden, impaired mood, depression and other issues than male caregivers. They are also more likely to need individual counseling or respite care.
One thing that’s helped Batti is learning that there are other caregivers out there like her, many of them adult children of people with dementia, she said.
About five years ago, she joined an Alzheimer’s Association support group for caregivers. Being around other people going through different variations of the same issues was comforting, eye- opening, and ultimately helpful, Batti said.
“Everyone in the group had experience with Alzheimer’s or dementia,” she said. “Through this group I joined, I got glimpses into everyone else’s lives and what they were dealing with.”
Her experience was so positive that she’s since moved on to lead two support groups herself. Getting support from others going through a similar experience — particularly for a child caring for parents — can be crucial for caregivers, said Maria Tomasetti, South Central Regional Director of the Connecticut Chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association.
“Nobody can do this alone,” she said. “No two journeys are exactly alike. There’s tremendous stress at all phases of the disease.”
Tomasetti, who lives in Milford, has been a caregiver, to both her mother and her father.
“It’s the hardest thing I ever had to do, navigating that journey,” she said. “It’s not one size fits all.”
Just talking to and hearing the view of someone going through something similar can be immensely helpful, she said.
“You get suggestions from the other people in support groups,” Tomasetti said. “Not that every suggestion works for every person, but, to me, that was an advantage of caregiver support groups — getting information from people who have lived that experience.”
Batti agreed. “You learn all these tricks that no one tells you about,” she said.
Though Tomasetti said she isn’t sure there are caregiver issues that are unique to daughters, she is aware that a huge chunk of the caregiving population is female, and that many caregivers of parents are also caring for children.
Batti also said she wasn’t sure that there are issues that are unique to daughters, and added that the support groups she’s been involved with have a pretty good mix of men and women. Speaking from her personal experience, she said, being the daughter of a mother with Alzheimer’s has been difficult, largely because of the way the relationship has shifted.
She and her mother are still close, and Batti still cherishes their time together, but it’s not the same.
“I miss the advice my mother would give me,” Batti said.
Those interested in support groups or with questions or concerns about caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s can call the 24- hour Alzheimer’s Association helpline at 800- 2723900.