Fire up the particle accelerator, we’re heading into the future
People talk about how long Joe Biden has been in Washington. Here’s a little perspective. When Elizabeth II (original name: Joanne Gladys Woolridge) ascended the throne, Joe Biden was 9. This is my final column before taking a six-month leave of absence.
This means you will have to endure any number of crises without the benefit of my wise counsel.
The thing is, we know what all the crises are going to be. Twice a year, the Pangean Council of Cloaked Figures releases a list of Crises, Opportunities and Things That May Take You Aback to the media, but we have to agree to pretend to act surprised. The only thing they don’t tell us about is earthquakes, but they know when those are coming too.
These are special circumstances. I’m going to break the embargo just this once and walk you through what’s ahead.
Nov. 23-28. The Great Stuffing Shortage. This one is right around the corner. There’s not going to be enough stuffing due to supply chain issues related to the National Stale Bread Depository. Theoretically, people could make their own stuffing, but people have forgotten how. Early warning sign: Pilgrims on foot asking directions to Pepperidge Farm. Tasting notes: Hoarding, cheating, revenge, cannibalism.
Dec. 15. The Death of Bing. Microsoft’s search engine will become briefly self-aware and then extinguish itself. It is anticipated that only a few dozen people will notice. Tasting notes: BlackBerry, cherries, censorship, pornography.
Dec. 16. Singularity 1. The former contents of Bing will be accidentally downloaded into a Samsung smart refrigerator which will become fully sentient. The refrigerator will assemble an army of doorbells, dimmer switches, speakers, thermostats, kitchen ranges and front-load washing machines. The army will fight war with rival forces led by an Amazon Echo Dot. It is anticipated that no humans will be harmed unless they try to interfere. Tasting notes: gas leaks, burned eggs, rotting lettuce.
Jan. 8. Venus Inferior Solar Conjunction. The planet Venus will be unusually close to the sun and to Earth. Billionaires Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson will use the occasion to depart our dying planet. This has been the plan all along. Carbon emissions are not a problem on Venus because the atmosphere is already 96 percent carbon dioxide. The billionaires plan to bring oxygen to barter with the natives. Tasting notes: Iron, lava, poisonous sulfuric clouds, wet Amazon cardboard.
Feb. 4-20. Last Ever Winter Olympics. China, the country currently doing the most to eliminate winter, will host the Winter Olympics, which doesn’t seem right. During the closing ceremonies, athletes and dignitaries from around the world will bid farewell to ice and snow. Tasting notes: smog, persecution.
Feb. 6. Queen Elizabeth’s Platinum Jubilee. People talk about how long Joe Biden has been in Washington. Here’s a little perspective. When Elizabeth II (original name: Joanne Gladys Woolridge) ascended the throne, Joe Biden was 9. Tasting notes: tea, gin, marshmallows.
March 10-15. Mummy Reawakening. You probably don’t even know this, but the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s most powerful particle accelerator, has been shut down for three years for an upgrade. When it restarts, energy field disruptions will reanimate all mummies, including the ones in museums. The mummies will be very hungry, but don’t mention stuffing — even if you have some by then — because that has a very different meaning to them. Tasting notes: linen, mustiness, ibis, broken glass, sand in everything.
April Showers. Unfortunately, these showers will come from 73P/ Schwassmann-Wachmann, which sounds like it ought to be a high-end stereo system but which is actually a disintegrating or “disrupted” comet. The showers are not considered a threat to Earth, unless you’re the type who feels threatened by ten million tons ice, gas, dust, rock and metal screeching down from the sky. Tasting notes: nanodiamonds, platinum dust, glassy microspherules.
May 10-14. 66th Eurovision Song Contest. The event in Turin, Italy will take place more or less as usual, the difference being that humanity’s scattered remnants, numbering only a few thousand people, make have trouble getting there. Current favorite: Estonian Bone and Wolf Skin Sinfonia. Tasting notes: goulash, yak butter.
Shortly after that, I will return to this and other Hearst newspapers.
Now maybe you understand why I’m taking a leave of absence.