Unsung groundhogs lost in Phil’s shadow
Phineas T. Haveheart, who claimed he could communicate with groundhogs, had once written a 100-page white paper titled “America’s Other Groundhogs, The Forgotten Rodents.” Earlier this month, he glared at his TV for the five consecutive days and 15 ballots it took to elect the House of Representative Speaker.
Afterward, he left the following message on the Washington Press Club’s answering service, “This is groundhog activist Phineas T. Haveheart. I want the press to know my beef isn’t with the five days and 15 ballots. It’s with your TV reporters who kept likening the election to the ‘Groundhog Day’ movie.”
In the film, a TV weatherman gets caught in a time loop in Punxsutawney, Penn. Events of the weatherman’s past 24 hours keep repeating themselves. Pundits seized on that 1993 movie to characterize the House of Representatives with its repeated do-over ballots and the same outcomes … as a government body trapped in a time loop fiasco of its own making.
Phineas followed up his telephone message to the Press Club with an email to them. In it he wrote, “That ‘Groundhog Day’ movie led me into ground-breaking research on groundhogs as well as taking action on their behalf. It was as if I had bonded with groundhogs. The ‘Save the Whale’ movement led me to form ‘Hoggists for Equality for All Groundhogs.’ Soon we had 1,500 followers.”
In the email Phineas attached his groundhog white paper and underlined several quotes from his Hoggist followers in states from Maine to Oregon.
“Feb. 2 is Groundhog Day. Everyone knows that. But the public doesn’t know that groundhogs across the country fester every Feb. 2 in their burrows.”
“Some people complain the media favors one political party over the other. That’s small potatoes. What the media lacks is the guts to report on the plight of America’s hogs. It’s always about the Punxsutawney groundhog rising to the top of the Gobblers Knob burrow. If it casts a shadow, expect six more weeks of bitter winter. No shadow. Put away your parkas.”
“Since the early 60s, when Phil, the Punxsutawney, Penn., Groundhog went on the ‘Today’ program, he has gotten top billing every Feb. 2. Other hogs never make the news. But they’re as good or better at the weather game than their cousin up on the Knob.”
“Mr. Haveheart, thank you for writing to all our blue and red state yokels and national representatives asking how the government could forget our deserving groundhogs … and still find money to study how foreign tsetse flies made baby tsetses.”
Phineas smiled at the quote from a Staten Island, N.Y., Hoggist. “Chuck, a local groundhog, was secretly being trained in advanced weather forecasting technology to eventually challenge Punxsutawney Phil for best groundhog forecaster. But at a ceremony Chuck slipped out of former New York City’s Mayor Bill de Blasio’s arms and took a spill. The hog passed away a few days later. No one could determine if Chuck leaned left or right politically.”
Phineas then recalled a letter he recently received. The sender wrote, “Now is the time to get our movement going again. Rallies and handout leaflets won’t do it. How about a weekly podcast? Everybody has one. Let’s also resurrect the annual National Groundhog Lottery idea. Participating states would get a yearly crack at it. Officials from each state would forward the name of their homebred hog to a blue-ribbon panel to oversee the drawing. The winning hog would travel to Punxsutawney for the festivities on Feb. 2. You may remember a Swedish waterbed manufacturer once offered to safely transport the lucky hog in a portable burrow the company would build, free of charge. I’ll be happy to contact them. Please, please Mr. Haveheart.”
The quotes in the white paper and the letter perked Phineas up. He floated the idea among his past Hoggist followers of starting a “Get to know your groundhog” marketing campaign. He said, “Congress is now focused on secret documents being found in file cabinets. They will be less attentive. Let’s once again try pushing the Groundhog National Holiday bill.”
As enthusiastic as Phineas was about a new groundhog drive, most email responses were less than positive. “One said, “Forget it, Mr. Haveheart, the government prefers spending money on studies like the tsetse flies mating habits.”
Another one stated, “No matter what we do, America’s groundhogs will continue being unsung. Punxsutawney Phil will always be the media’s go-to-hog. And on the second day of all future Februarys, groundhogs will go on fretting in the bowels of their burrows.”
“Yet,” Phineas T. Haveheart thought, “Maybe if I communicate with the groundhogs again, we’ll find a way forward.”