Fiancee’s friendship stirs suspicion
Dear Annie: I am about to get married to a woman I am still madly in love with, five years after we first met. Within two months after our first date, we told each other we were in love with each other and wanted to date each other exclusively. Yet, within four months, she was lying to me, going off for a night here and a night there, claiming to visit her sister, but actually staying with a married man she’s known since high school — a man with whom, she has admitted to me, she cheated on her late husband.
I told her she knows how I feel, and I’d appreciate her not talking to this man, at this point.
Yet, one day she was showing me something on her phone and accidentally showed me photos of them together. I looked at her phone later and saw the photos were dated recently.
She lied to me about her whereabouts on those days. I have confronted her about her ongoing relationship with this man. She refuses to admit they still see each other.
Is it wrong to ask to see her phone records to see if she is still talking and texting with him before I say “I do”?
Looking for Information
Dear Looking for Information:
Reviewing her call logs might provide you with temporary relief, but it wouldn’t actually heal the fractured trust. In fact, in the long term it could just make things worse, by reinforcing a dynamic where you feel compelled to play private investigator to quell any suspicions.
Unfortunately, it does sound as though your suspicions are well-founded. It’s OK for our significant others to have friends of the opposite sex or even to be platonic friends with exes. But there is a difference between a friendship and an emotional affair. It sounds like your fiancee is swept up in the latter and has been for some time. Given her history with this man, it’s reasonable that you would feel uncomfortable with her spending time with him. Unless you can say “I do” with all your heart, then it’s better not to say it.
Dear Annie: I have always been a giver and enjoy making people happy. I remember everyone’s birthdays with cards and gifts. My Christmas list seems to grow longer every year. I live in constant credit card debt.
How can I cut back on or eliminate gifts altogether without offending anyone? Do I send a “notice” at the beginning of the year as a heads-up so they won’t send me anything throughout the year? Please help me.
Broke Not Cheap
Dear Broke: The point of a gift is to let someone know you were thinking of them. Toward that end, a thoughtfully written card is just as good as a material present.
I don’t think it warrants an official notice.
When you talk to close friends and family on the phone, let them know you will be cutting back on giftgiving this year. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter won’t mind.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators .com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.