Why I’m voting for Marge Simpson in 2024

Now that the midterm elections are over, it’s time to obsess again over the presidential race.

I’m looking forward to name calling, insults, bogus polls, disinformation, misinformation and Twitter mania. We’ll have to deal with bloviators, family squabbles, media partisanship and people whining they were robbed. Then, comes the payoff — four years of misery and regret.

Let me be blunt. We need real change in this country, so as my patriotic duty, I’m thinking outside the box or inside the box or whatever part of the box inspires original thinking. I’ve come up with ideas that will make America great again or mediocre again, depending on your preference.

No more same old, same old. First of all, we’re overdue to elect a woman president, and I have just the person. Not Hillary Clinton, not Carly Fiorina, not Elizabeth Warren, not Sarah Palin, not Kamala Harris. To my thinking, the woman with great credentials is … Marge Simpson. That’s right, Homer’s wife.

Marge is grace under pressure. She performs in a crisis and — I’m not supposed to say this — I like her blue hair. (Does that mean she’s a Democrat?)

Her Wikipedia page says: “Marge is the moralistic force in her family and often provides a grounding voice in the midst of her family’s antics by trying to maintain order in the Simpson household.”

We haven’t had a president like that since Abraham Lincoln.

Unfortunately, she has baggage, namely her husband Homer and her son Bart. But the media will hopefully ignore their antics the way they ignored Hunter Biden’s.

If Marge doesn’t want to run, we could enlist Kim Kardashian, who has millions of followers and will entice young men to the polls.

While I have little faith in celebrities, other possible contenders are The Rock, Tom Hanks, Rihanna and Lady Gaga. Actually, I like the sound of President Gaga and President Rock.

Though I don’t support billionaires such as Bill Gates, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos or George Soros, that guy Warren Buffett has Midwestern appeal, and he could salvage what’s left of our retirement savings, if there’s anything left by 2024.

The Republicans should consider nominating Mr. Peanut of the Planters’ dynasty. If peanut farmer Jimmy Carter could capture the Oval Office, so can Mr. Peanut. With his top hat, cane and monocle, he must be an old school Republican, which means he’d implement spending policies like Calvin Coolidge’s and you know where they got us.

Vermont hasn’t been the same since Coolidge left. But look on the bright side. He worked only four hours a day, which is a great philosophy for any president because the more they do, the more we get in trouble. The motto on the presidential seal should be “Minor plus est,” which means “Less is more.” Coolidge liked to fish, Joe Biden likes to bicycle. Let’s carry on the tradition.

Speaking of blue bloods, what about Prince Harry, whose memoir after 38 years of life is being published. If England won’t make him king, we can make him president. So what if he’s not a U.S. citizen? He married Meghan Markle and that should make him eligible.

My ideal candidate is a man of principle, who can unite this country and cure inflation. You know him as Trader Joe. He sells good products and doesn’t price gouge. His mandarin orange chicken is more American than Nathan’s hot dogs. Besides, we need a president who can make this country affordable for working families.

(Uh oh, just as I was about to chant, “Trader Joe for president!” my researcher informed me that Trader Joe — Joe Coulombe — who founded the chain in 1967, died in 2020. Rest in peace, Joe.)

Let me suggest another dark horse candidate. You’ve probably heard of Bat Boy, the half-human/half-bat, discovered 30 years ago in a West Virginia cave. (No relation to Batman.)

In 2020, Bat Boy ran for president. Taylor Swift reportedly had a fundraiser for him, and I think Stephen Colbert endorsed him.

Just so you don’t accuse me of spreading fake news, I’ll quote from a press release I got: “Bat Boy has long demonstrated a keen interest in political and social issues, which have thrust him into the limelight. He has befriended and advised U.S. Presidents (Joe Biden?) and candidates for national office … Bat Boy was knighted by Queen Elizabeth and blessed by Pope Francis, and there are growing rumors about another presidential run in 2024 under his healing and unifying right-wing plus left-wing message.”

There’s no denying in these troubled times that our country needs Bat Boy, so I’m mailing in my vote for him today. That’s legal, right?