SPENDING QUARANTINE IN YOUR BOYFRIEND’ S CHILDHOOD HOME IS exactly as awkward AS IT SOUNDS
at first offer, it seemed like a social distancing paradise: a patio! A pool! Every streaming app
and cable! Basically, things my cramped apartment and his frat house of a place could never provide. So without knowing exactly what we were getting into, my boyfriend, let’s call him Colin*, and I committed to living out our quarantine (almost 100 days, to be exact) with his ’rents.
Kind of a bold move, yes, especially considering I’d met them only four times before. And it’s true that as I packed up my comfiest sweats and not much else, I probably should have remembered that the most casual thing I’d seen his v chic mother in was a pair of ironed dark jeans. That part’s on me.
On Colin, or at least in residence at our new abode, were many, many stuffed animals, middle school basketball trophies, and bad-bowl- cut portraits. Oh, and the most precious photos
I’d never seen from Colin’s dhoti ceremony (it’s an Indian rite of passage). Between you and me, I low- key enjoyed sleuthing around and discovering new parts of him.
In fact, it actually really turned me on. Which was kind of a major problem, because it turns out that 15+- year- old beds can be LOUD. Side note: A Mickey Mouse doll is way less cute when he’s staring at you while you’re bent over in doggy. TBH, it kind of felt like there were eyes everywhere.
Maybe because there were? One afternoon, while our, um, roommates were out running an essential errand, we started to take off our swimsuits to enjoy some poolside foreplay…until I noticed a small white device on something attached to the house. Yup, his parents had security cameras, and we were giving them a hell of a show. I clutched Colin’s swim trunks over my boobs and made a run for it because I, for one, was not about to have a sex tape leaked courtesy of my own boyfriend’s parents’ security system.
Unfortunately, I hadn’t yet reached peak embarrassment. That happened when I decided this gorge house would make the perfect backdrop for my budding TikTok career (lol). As I was trying to throw it back like Charli D’Amelio—twerking, shaking my butt, and moving my hips and all—I didn’t notice Mama Bear standing in the doorway. When the song ended, she gave me an awkward slow clap.( Bye. See you never.)
FWIW though: My time in isolation with Colin wasn’t all hilariously cringey moments. We definitely had a couple of small fights (mainly me just feeling suffocated by all of his things), but I also got the chance to see him in a new, more serious way. Like when we unexpectedly had to put his family’s 8- year- old golden retriever to sleep. The vet came to the house to go through the procedure, and I watched as my boyfriend comforted his crying brother. It was powerful seeing him be there for his family like that, and the experience brought us closer than ever as a couple.
So although parts were weird—and I admittedly have a thing against stuffed animals now—all those strange days solidified that he’s my person. And let’s just say I’m very happy we’ve since signed a lease and moved into our own place, tyvm. * I ’ m changing his name because he’s st i l l my BF and, wel l, I ’ d prefer to keep it t hat way despi t e publ ishing al l t his for t he wor l d t o see.