Daily Camera (Boulder)

Reeling friend needs soft place to land

- AMY DICKINSON

Dear Amy: I have a friend who is going through a really rough patch in her life; she’s facing possible divorce.

She’s in therapy and marriage counseling, but she’s experienci­ng sadness and mental anguish and is worried about the future.

She claims she’s not suffering from depression, but I’m not so sure.

As her friend I’m trying to be supportive and understand­ing; I listen to her, try not to give advice, but instead just be supportive and remind her that she has friends and family who love her and will stand by her no matter what.

I try and remind her of the joys in life and encourage her to take a mental break now and then.

Is there anything else I can do to support her through this dark time?

IDear Worried Friend: shared your letter with poet Maggie Smith, whose wonderful new book: “Keep Moving: Notes on Loss, Creativity, and Change” (2020, Atria/one Signal) would be a good gift for your friend.

Here’s Maggie’s response: “You’re already doing the most important thing: showing up. You’re listening, offering support, not imposing your own solutions.

“What made the biggest difference for me during my divorce was stability from others when I felt the ground shifting beneath me. This unwavering support took many forms: phone calls, supportive texts, regular dinners that were on the calendar the same day each month (and therefore harder for me to cancel), spontaneou­s walks when I was feeling frazzled. I didn’t need anyone to

“fix” it for me; I just needed people to be with me through it.

“Your friend is going through an extremely destabiliz­ing experience in an already destabiliz­ing time. I picture divorce as the center of a Venn Diagram where so many circles of feeling overlap: sadness and grief for the life you had; fear and insecurity about the future; guilt about not being able to ‘fix it.’ And that’s without a pandemic!

“She may or may not be depressed, but she is certainly grief-stricken and reeling. It’s normal to feel heartbroke­n when your heart’s been broken. It’s also normal to pull away, because you feel like you won’t be good company, like you are a burden. Be patient with her. Let her know she doesn’t need to ‘cheer up’ for you: she can feel however she’s feeling for as long as she needs to, and you’re not going anywhere.

“Above all: even if you have to physically keep your distance because of the pandemic, keep showing up. Be a constant in a sea of overwhelmi­ng variables. Be a soft place for her to land.”

Dear Amy: I have a very dear male friend (married) who has suddenly begun making inappropri­ate comments to me. I am also married, and his wife is a good friend.

I want to tell him to stop, but don’t want to ruin our friendship in any way. How do you suggest I handle this?

Dear Inappropri­ate: Here’s the thing about inappropri­ate boundarycr­ossers: they get to do/ say what they want, while you get to worry about “ruining the friendship.”

Let’s stipulate the usuals: Your friend could be experienci­ng some health-related or cognitive issues that have upped his libido and lowered his social stop signs.

There are a few legitimate reasons that might explain his behavior, but they don’t excuse his behavior.

The challenge to your friendship brought about by his behavior is his problem, and he’ll have to figure out how to fix it.

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