Dif ferences and belonging
When I was a young child, my mother and I would frequent a small gourmet shop that smelled like a hundred spices. I’d approach the high counter, stand on-tippy toes and proudly say, “A quarter of a pound of dried apricots, please.”
From an early age my mother encouraged me to advocate for myself. She would help me staple together the pages of my “Billy Leaf” books, which was an adventure series I created to express myself on the page. She taught me how to pluck away on typewriter keys to see my stories in print. She was a newspaper columnist who modeled a woman having her voice.
Yet so many of us have a loud and more confident voice as children that becomes softer as we greet the world’s expectations of who we should be, often shaming of differences versus encouraging celebration.
We learn that differences do not allow for belonging, which is an inherent need we long for. Mother Theresa writes, “Today, if we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten we belong to each other …”
So much is written about the collective oppression of marginalized groups. Additionally there is the individual oppression of our feelings and true self.
As a psychologist I encourage finding our way back to proudly standing in our own shoes. As we reach adolescence, we often silence our inherent deeper wisdom. We press “unsubscribe” to no longer receive our internal emotional messages.
What can present as depression in individuals is often a state of oppression where one’s voice isn’t expressed, often leading to addictions and maladaptive coping strategies. Yet for our psychological well-being we have a need to be seen and understood, allowing for our inherent differences.
Hiding ourselves works counter to that end and keeps us more isolated. With maturity, the challenge is how to compassionately embrace our individuality, express ourselves, but also feel we belong in the circle with ever yone else. This journey can be lifelong, yet the crux of internal peace.
As young children I believe we compared ourselves less and as we grew, our eyes opened to being “other.” In the words of Theodore Roosevelt, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
I was a small, curly-haired Jewish girl, who wanted to belong, be liked and fit into a neighborhood of taller, blonder girls. Although I was privileged, feeling different made me grow quiet.
In third grade I decided to see how many months I could go without speaking up in class. Until at a par ty celebration we had to shout out the letter of our last name as we all said the alphabet backward so we could get a chocolate cupcake. I shrieked “D” with abandoned joy. I didn’t know then it is an impossible task to hide and become someone other than who you are.
Sometimes I am asked, “What happens if you don’t like a client?” I find it is ver y dif ficult not to like those who honestly show up in their vulnerability, and I am honored to receive the gift of another’s true self.
It is the cover, the shield — the distancing behaviors we adopt that make it more difficult to be embraced by others. Unfor tunately, it keeps us fur ther away from the acceptance and sense of belonging we yearn for.
In reference to our tendency to come up short as we compare ourselves to others, creating more distance, I encourage a compassionate curiosity about other versus comparison. As we focus on learning more about someone, possibly highlighting differences, we actually build a closeness through disclosure and a greater sense of being together.
Traditional psychotherapy is not the only vehicle in to a deeper and more accepting sense of self. Creativity in one form or another is a beautiful doorway. It can be through music, dance, yoga, meditation, painting, crafts, writing, gardening — the list is endless. It is whatever helps you touch the tender truth of your being as we often did as children.
From that space of beauty, the sharing of your song, writing or painting becomes a way to connect us. It is the pulling into the abundance within and then extending out as a reminder that we belong to one another.
It is our individual differences and varied gifts that we all have in common that brings that cherished sense of unity.
And if we remember to stand proudly on tiptoes, we may all taste the apricot sweetness of being together.
Priscilla Dann-cour tney is a writer and psychologist who has lived in Boulder for over 40 years. She can be reached through her website, priscilladanncour tney.com.