Reflections on turning 75

There are certain privileges of age. At age 75, I have an easier time letting things go, being more content, saying no more often, being comfortable in my own skin, forgiving more easily, being more tolerant and feeling more at peace.

There are also some drawbacks of age. The organ recital (“my back hurts, I have to get a colonoscopy”), the haunting memories of mistakes and embarrassments that my inner critic reminds me of, and the realization that time is running shorter — and I had better take my remaining time seriously.

If wisdom is associated with age, here are some of life’s lessons I have learned the hard way.

It takes a very long time to grow up.

I thought I was an adult at age 40, but that was an illusion. Many 50-, 60- and 70-year-olds are not adults either. Being an adult requires you to be in charge of yourself, your reactions, temper, moodiness, your words, your addictions, whether you live your life with integrity, the way you treat people you care about and whether you accept responsibility for your actions. Many people, regardless of age, never grow up and become adults.

The importance of self-accountability.

Always take responsibility for what you say and what you do. It’s the opposite of defensiveness and blame, and it’s a hallmark of being an adult.

Don’t make it hard to be in a relationship with you —

And that includes your spouse, children and everyone else you deal with. Nobody likes being criticized or belittled, and doing so will generate anger, resentment and resistance in others. Learn to pick your battles, and gracefully allow others to have their way some of the time. Never name-call or threaten the relationship — you cannot take those words back.

Choose peace over irritation, and focus on what’s good instead of what’s bad.

If I look at what’s good, I will be happier and more content. If I focus on what irritates me, I will be unhappy.

If you’re bored, you’re not challenging yourself enough.

Here’s what I’m doing at age 75 to keep myself busy and vital: I’m taking lessons from a pro to improve my tennis game, I have booked a couple of trips (including one with our 8-year-old grandson to the Panama Canal), I’m attempting to become a better photographer, I’m signed up to take lessons in bettering my pool/billiards game — and I’m still working, although not full time. Challenging yourself and keeping busy minimizes how bored you feel.

Regrets most commonly come from inaction.

You wanted to approach that attractive stranger, take that challenging job, learn to scuba dive or move to another part of the world, but you didn’t.

In my experience, failure of nerve is what most commonly causes me to have regrets. Be ambitious and go after what you want. Fortune favors the bold.

Keep your eye on the ball.

No dreams get realized without you being willing to persevere, often for lengthy periods of time. This means keeping your career intact, keeping your most important relationships strong — and clearing up anything that gets in the way of those relationships. Also, put away money for retirement, and don’t spend it unless you have to. You want money when you’re older.

Whenever tragedy, adversity or bad luck befalls you, look for the silver lining.

It often has the power to help you understand that sometimes our losses lead to unforeseen surprising gains.

We learn far more from our failures than from our successes.

It’s okay that you made mistakes in the past. Life is about learning from your mistakes and not repeating them.

Finally, make sure you’re occasionally doing things that you consider to be fun.

Fun helps us to enjoy life and renews our hope for the future.

Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist. His website is coloradomarriageretreats. com.