Daily Camera (Boulder)

Friendship falters on unsolicite­d advice

- Contact Amy Dickinson via email, askamy@ amydickins­on.com.

DEAR AMY >> I have been friends with “Susan” for over 35 years. I have shared many extremely sensitive and delicate problems with her.

She has taken on the role of giving me lots of personal advice.

In the past her advice was helpful, but in recent years, it has become more intrusive. A number of times I have started a conversati­on by saying, “I just want to tell you about this. No advice about it is needed, please.”

She listens and then directly defies my request and insists on giving her advice no matter what.

This situation is causing me a great deal of emotional distress.

I purchased a new house and over a period of six to seven months I didn’t tell her. Why? Because I wanted to make the important decisions about what home to purchase, what neighborho­od I wanted to live in, etc., and I knew that at some point if I told her, she would find a way to influence my decision-making.

When I did finally tell her, she was shocked.

She has also given me legal advice that was downright inaccurate.

When I pointed this out, she brushed it off.

I haven’t talked to her in over nine months. Why? Because she advised me about an aspect of writing my will which was completely inaccurate. I became so exasperate­d that I felt like exploding inside.

I’ve been so distressed that I haven’t finished writing my will — even with my attorney’s assistance.

What should I do?

— Wanting to Turn Off the Advice “Faucet”

DEAR WANTING >> Hearing advice feels worse than someone merely expressing an opinion different from your own, because when someone offers advice, they are actually telling you what to do. And if this advice is unsolicite­d, they are assuming that you need it, perhaps because your own judgment is flawed.

Your internal reaction to all of this unsolicite­d advice is understand­able.

However, you don’t mention ever discussing this with “Susan.” Your passivity has contribute­d to the problem.

Yes, you’ve tried to head her off at the pass, but that hasn’t worked and so now you are absorbing all of this explosive rage, rather than risk telling this very old friend how her behavior affects you.

If you want to continue with this friendship, you should give Susan the benefit of knowing the intensity of your reaction to her unsolicite­d advice. Say, “I’ve stopped being in touch so often because I find your advice oppressive. I’ve been looking for friendship, not advice. Can we try for a reset?”

If Susan is so locked into her habit — or so dense — that she responds to this statement by offering advice, you could interrupt her: “Oops, there — you’re doing it. That’s exactly what has been bothering me so much.”

DEAR AMY >> While on our daily walks, my partner and I sometimes encounter one of our casual acquaintan­ces who soon starts to tell us about one of his friends, whom we do not know at all, in great detail.

We politely nod and smile, asking a harmless question or two, while waiting for the conversati­on to end.

We do not want to be rude, but how do we politely tell this person that we just don’t know who he is talking about?

— Clueless in Denver

DEAR CLUELESS >> If you broke into this monologue to say, “I’m sorry, but we don’t know that person,” your acquaintan­ce would likely take the opportunit­y to explain, in detail, the stranger’s backstory.

Nodding, smiling, and demonstrat­ing patience are all positive qualities.

If you’re on a walk and don’t want to be interrupte­d, you could respond, “It’s always nice to see you. We’re going to press on. Have a great morning!”

And then you ease on down the road.

DEAR AMY >> “Bereaved” was furious with her husband for posting an online “tribute” to her mother, including personal informatio­n.

You got it wrong. This informatio­n can easily be used to steal a person’s identity.

Bereaved has every reason to object to this.

— Been There DEAR BEEN THERE >>

My point was that this informatio­n is already frequently included in death notices and obituaries.

But you make an excellent point, and this is a valid reason to be aware of the risks of disclosure, even after death.

Thank you.

 ?? ??

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United States